All Progress Depends on Unreasonable Men – Understanding My Aspie … AND Myself

Written on June 7, 2015

Just tall enough to rest his head on my chest just at my clavicle and for me to lay my head on his hair – he’s 12 now. 12 1/2. This boy, my son, ties my heart in knots. Back and forth, we go. Remembering, then forgetting that this difference called Aspergers resides inside him. That it forms him into a boy who functions apart from my other children, from other children in general. That he needs additional thought and consideration for effective communications to be had. He is a dichotomy. One second he’s fine – offering me an unsolicited hug, though hesitant, his hugs are sweet in the moment. Then, the next moment, he’s raging and it’s different now. He internalizes. No more daily explosions … but now, like a time bomb, you see it stored in his eyes. His jaw sets, teeth glued together, eyes hardened. Now, he looks at me and says with seething tone, “I don’t care.” And I believe him. He doesn’t care. There in that moment. There is no thought pattern other than rage at whatever sin entered into his mental space. In whatever way I digressed against the flow of his mind. Taking out the trash. Picking up laundry. Going to bed. All earth-ending occurrences. And he’s getting taller. Stronger. Harsh. This boy is mine, gifted to me by God, so I must know that I am the mother for him … standing in this, I find myself crying inside. It’s not that I want him to be “normal” because what does that mean. It is because I want for him to find his niche. To discover what it is and where it is that his Aspergian mind will camp and relish and discover. Knowing the how to help him toward that overwhelms. There are so many other kiddos in this house too … each one needs the Momma.

What I know about my Aspie is this …. what the world sees as unreasonable, different, abnormal … in him, will be a blessing. This quote to the right sings for all folks on the Autism spectrum. They’re becoming more normal than not. Again with that word “normal” … but truly, it will behoove us all to know someone on the autism spectrum, to learn them, to grasp how their minds function, to step into the worlds and journey with them though it seems off-kilter. Go with it. Embrace the differences that are entering this world. Do not be uncomfortable … says the Mom who walks in fear some days of her Aspergian son’s negative potential. See, what I know rationally is that the positive potential outweighs the negative. He has no desire to be hurtful. It is my duty, my privilege to guide him.
Here lies my trauma … I’m home so little. My tasks at work keep me consumed and I have a child with special needs who grows angrier yet internalizes it … to what end is the money, the independence worth the expense of him being 12 and left to his own self – no one messes with him at home – though there are three older siblings and two younger ones – he “hates” them all, though he doesn’t. He’s left to the PS3 and the XBox. He does what he wants. And I’m no good guide from miles away. So, this post … not sure the point and purpose, except that this Aspie mom’s heart is torn.
I see him growing stronger and his anger deepening. I see him with what I perceive as no consistent boundaries since I’m not here to be that measuring stick for him and for myself – but am I the only one to be this for him? He’s in all day Special School District during the school year, my husband is hands-on with him … all of that is good and fine and great … but my heart tells me he just needs the Momma. But maybe this isn’t necessarily so …. maybe we are doing just fine. Maybe I’m creating more of a dilemma that there actually is. It’s Aspergers not a debilitation. So, he’s not geared socially. So he functions on a different plane. So he rarely shows emotion. So he’s rigid. So he has sensory issues. So he wants to withdraw from everyone …
Ah, life. It’s ever-changing. Ever evolving. Ever daily new.
And my boy is different … and maybe so is his Momma.

Sussurant, Obfuscate, & Subsume – A Friendship’s Lasting Beauty

Written on June 19, 2015

My friend Mark left me yesterday. Well, not exactly me, but our work environment, that place wherein we knew each other. Tomorrow he steps out into a new adventure and I want to pack myself into his suitcase and go along. He’s headed to Sante Fe to take his dream job. While kudos and congratulations are in order for him, I cry unfair. It is rare that I make a friend who sees me. Truly sees me. The me that I keep hidden. Mark sees … and in the time we spent friending, he challenged me, made me laugh, and let my brain free to roam and expound and breathe and talk of mythology, philosophy, religion, things of depth, words …

Funny. The first time I met him, I sat at my desk, and he sauntered into the office with flair and declared this and then that and spoke with my office mate. I may have grunted or mumbled incoherently … because for the first time, I felt a challenge toward my teaching legacy here within my sacred walls of Vatterott. This was a guy, with this Doctorate of Philosophy in Mythological Studies, who could and would (possibly) top my classroom wit and ability. I didn’t like that. Competitive? Me? Yes. Totally. He had the capacity to take my place as THAT or THE English teacher. I made up my mind. I didn’t like him. Nope. No how. Told my office mate.

Now, yesterday, when I knew it was time to say goodbye to Mark, she had a big laugh … remember when you didn’t like him? When you were all, ‘I don’t know about that guy’? Ah yes … I do. Insert my sardonic smile, but then a quick sad face. In a short time, we became fast friends. To his words, our minds exists on a similar plane where those things that truly matter in life (to people such as us) are not shared by a vast majority of folks. A kindred soul – and now, he’s gone. I’ll miss him. Happy for him, but I will miss the face-to-face banter and the conversation, though he’s promised and requested continual contact in friendship. Oh, Mark.

He’s left me with three amazing words … with a promise of more to come.

This week, he stunned me with … and I have placed them into sentences with hope that their usage is near to what definition demands …

Obfuscate.

… My current path in life stands obfuscated by an emotional state of being that wars within this tortured soul.

Susurrant.

… To stand in the breeze beneath the willow tree, listening to the susurrant melody of the branches, that is life.

Subsume.

… The greater good subsumes my petty desires when all is opened and laid bare. I see clearly.

How distractedly beautiful, each one.

To my friend Mark, thank you.

I look forward to friendship in a digital realm. You are a treasure and I’m so grateful to know you.

Ode to 2 Good Friends

Written on June 29, 2015

I’m reminded today that I’m a pretty lucky gal. Why? Because of many things. Family. Work. Love. Kids. Friends. Friends like my two cohorts in makebelieve schemes and nefarious plottings to take over first the workplace and then politics as a whole. Oh, we’ve got ideas and spend lunch breaks acting more like children than grown-up folks. Those two. They make me laugh. More than that, they’re genuine friends and because of them, I am blessed … Blessed that they let me be in the little group since I’m a girl. They seem like the types to pull a girl’s hair and then run off saying ‘it wasn’t me.’ And I’d not be the pulled hair girl but I’d be the wingman somewhere watching for the teacher and laughing, egging my comrades on. Oh, the trouble we’d get into if we ever acted on any of our schemes. So, Ric and Shane, here’s to you both! I appreciate you and I’m writing about it. Feel special. Cause you are. Special Ric and Special Shane … Course that could mean a plethora of things. Let’s go with a positive connotation. Ha. Hasta Manana!

Gestational Diabetes = Autism? My Story

Written on July 3, 2015

Mind blown … the possibility that Gestational Diabetes shows a potential link to Autism … this blows my mind, but then again doesn’t. The fact that increased blood sugar levels could interfere with brain development makes sense. Found information on WebMD and HuffingtonPost.

Why does it blow my mind? Personal experience. That’s why.

My first pregnancy, I weighed all of 125 pounds before and after – we’re talking

right after birth. Wanting to be a good little mommy-to-be I filled myself with Folic acid for the baby via Orange Juice. Filled. Once upon a day, I drank Orange Juice the way I now drink Diet Coke. All of that Juice caused me to fail the diabetes testing at the OBGyn. Sad weeks on finger sticks, dietitian visits, watching what I ate when I had no weight problem (oh, the days), kept me in check on the Gestational Diabetes. We had visits to the OBGyn where my belly and I were strapped to monitors for hours at a time, monitoring mine and the baby’s progress and sugar levels.

Keenan came into the world weighing 7 lbs 9 oz. Healthy and adorably the cutest baby ever that day in 1996. Long story short – getting to the punchline (which I’ve written about in numerous other posts) Keenan was diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome in 2008 – Aspergers being Level One Autism. Okay, so that aligns with what I’ve read today … but that doesn’t add to why the Mind Blown action here.

My fourth child birthed into the world in 2002 at a healthy 9 lbs even. His pregnancy did not develop like my previous three. My daughters both had easy gestational periods and I’ve already mentioned the Gestational Diabetes with Keenan. Having never been pregnant before Keenan, that was “normal” for me. Then the girls and I knew what “normal” felt like. So, at the onset of the fourth pregnancy and the beginning of bleeding, I cried for what seemed like weeks in fear of losing my baby.

At an appointment to ascertain the cause of the bleeding, the ultrasound revealed two sacs in the womb. Twins. But one was larger than the other … over the next few weeks, it became clear the Vanishing Twin Syndrome played a part in my distress and physical symptoms of miscarriage. Into the second trimester, only one sac showed on the monitor. The bleeding stopped and I somewhat relaxed. When the time came for the Gestational Diabetes test, I felt prepared. No Orange Juice for this girl. Learned that lesson and the two girls came through beautifully – no more finger sticking for me!

I failed the one hour test. The four-hour test showed only slight Gestational Diabetes and my doctor felt disinclined to address it – just told me to watch myself. We’re talking slight. So … I somewhat tried. At that point, I was more concerned with having him before my 30th birthday than any other portion of the unfolding event. That day passed. My goal of being completed with pregnancies before 30 … unrealized.

Might have been some slight depression. Call it silly. It was a thing.

Koel is my fourth child. He is the subject of many blog posts here. Koel also carries the Aspergers, Level One Autism, diagnosis, though his symptoms are more severe than Keenan’s. Our journey thus far with Koel is the stuff of nonfiction writing (which I’m working to complete as a memoir – I know there are so many parents out there experiencing what we did for so long – what’s wrong and why can’t anyone help us?).

For years I’ve wondered if the Vanishing Twin Syndrome played a part in his struggles … still, have that theory … feeling there must be a portion there somehow, someway, that my son is missing a part of himself. Randomly on his own once he told my father he once had a twin. Stunned. We were stunned. I don’t recall having ever told him such a thing.

With the subsequent two pregnancies, I experienced no issues or Gestational Diabetes. My two little men are … boys. Through and through rough and tumble crazy boys. Throwing balls, wrestling, eating, making noise … all boys. “Normal” to the core of each.

So … MIND BLOWN. With both of my Aspie boys, there was an issue of Gestational Diabetes.

So, today, I’m like … wow. Increased sugar levels. Makes sense. The articles I’ve read are recent, from April 2015. These are emerging ideas. More research will come and the findings will not now affect my family per se, but pregnant moms out there … read the article I’ve attached in the “Huffington Post” and be aware. Do research. My experience shows a correlation. Not saying it’s 100% the reason I have two boys on the Autism spectrum, but it certainly raises my eyebrows and if I can help other moms who want to answer the question “Why?” and the question “How?” … that’s what I’m about.

Our journey to and with the Aspergers diagnosis’ was/continues to be long and difficult – including school bullying and full day Special School District, fits of rage, explanations of perceived “rudeness” on the parts of my children. Many tears, much frustration. I love my Aspies – they see the world differently than you and I that is for sure and I wouldn’t change today who they are – in fact, Aspies rock this world! There’s thought that Thomas Jefferson and Albert Einstein were both Aspies along with many other highly creative and intellectual people … but awareness is good. Awareness is everything.

Having answers to questions like “Why?” and “How?” set us on a path to success … get those out of the way and determine how to rock on down the Special road.

Have to say it one more time …. MIND BLOWN. Wow.

How about you?

Your Birthday is MY Day, Dear Daughter

Written on July 7, 2015 (SHE IS 21 NOW – 1/17/2019) TIME FLIES!!!!

It’s the day I pushed you into the world through sweat, tears, and epidural! Lying there writhing in agony while you stretched around readying for your great womb escape. It was me who first held your slimy little self so afraid you’d slip right out of my hands. And it is me who first declared you the most beautiful baby ever to be born even while covered in birth goo. That was my day – July 8, 1997.

No … It was OUR day.

Yours and mine. In 1997, it was Your first to breathe a breath on your own and my first as the mother of a daughter. My mind danced with dreams of pink dresses and hair bows, dolls and Barbies, secrets and boys … And you were so small … 7 lb 3 oz. My Kennedy. That day you watched me, knew me, and I sang you your song. Both of us entranced on our day.

And now, you’re turning 18 in OUR day. I’m not sure how this came so fast. You’re a beautiful young woman

and I’m so proud of who you are – your convictions, your love of Jesus that’s your own, your laughter, your art, your ability to be yourself, your fashionista-ness – wearing whatever you want and pulling it off because you do you. You amaze me, girlie. I’m blessed to be your Momma. So blessed that God chose me to train you, to raise you, to love you, to be your forever friend and mother.

Happiest of days to you this July 8th, 2015. It is your day. It’s a big one – you get to hold your own health insurance card now and fill out your own medical forms! You can be listed now as an emergency contact in all your little brother’s paperwork! Milestones! Woot! There are so many wonderful things you can do now … Like, take your own self to the dentist! Sweet! 😉

Emancipation! … For me! Lol.

2 down … 4 to go.

I Trust Very Little

Written on July 17, 2015

Trust. That’s a scary word. Specifically thinking of the workplace environment, but the troublesome nature of trust stretches into most corners of life.

I trust very little.

Not afraid as the word scary would imply, but cautious, skeptical, understanding at the core of being, humans are most concerned about self. That self rises when circumstances occur … and each person reacts in a manner befitting his own nature.

So, I know not to place expectations on most people. Those I do, they’re not unrealistic expectations – more a mutual affection despite fallibilities and foibles.

Choice. Understanding every person including yourself, myself, has the capacity to disappoint … such a key in authenticity of trust. Bringing the matter up because I see far too much shock in people when so and so does this or who’s-I-what’s-it does that.

Not much shocks me. Folks, we are human. Born to make mistakes. Me-feels like that’s a song …. It is. It’s running through my mind this morning … And not only that but the concept of grace. Grace and mercy.
People will disappoint, say and do things shocking, these are reality. The choice to respond … That’s definitional here to drama that ensues when trust becomes an ideal wherein disappointments should not occur.

Hogwash. Disappointment … It’s reality …

Choose to understand you are capable and do shake the trust of people around you as well. So, come down off the horse, show some mercy, seek wisdom to choose responses to better situations over disintegrating them.

Most people in my life I enjoy because I don’t trust – I don’t need that person’s perfection in my life in order for me to be okay with myself in any way. If I choose to trust, I’m willing to let your foibles affect my life just as I then in turn trust, believe, you’re willing to allow my foibles to affect yours … and that mutual appreciation and grace can exist, does exist, there in our communion.

See, I think trust is misunderstood. It’s like love. It’s a choice. It’s a verb. Based on action and not feeling. We get that so wrong, people. Don’t let people affect your outlook on life.

Understand Romans 3:23 … All have sinned and fallen short of the Glory of God. People are fallible. Untrustworthy because the odds of perfection are against them, against us all.

So, it’s a choice … Whose stuff are you willing to allow to create chaos of your plans and direction … Not that that’s what will happen, but possibility and probability say yes. Be okay with that. Choose your squad wisely. And stop being so shocked when people do crappy things.

Two sides to every story. Innocent until proven guilty. Life’s not fair. All that. You should trust less. It’s about expectations and wisdom, discernment, and grace.

There’s ONE who can be fully and in completion trusted. That’s Jesus. Look at how he loves you and me … Talk about untrustworthy … None of us are in comparison. Yet, he chooses grace, compassion, forgiveness. And I, for one, am ecstatic about that! Read the Gospel of John and get to know him. Trust him, not folks. Life will change for you. Dramas will cease. There’s no need for them …. Not inside love.

Morning thoughts.

Happy Friday.

Be kind today.

Don’t lay your expectations on people.

Rock your day!

The World Inside Me No One Knows

Written on July 23, 2015

Maybe it’s the writer in me. Maybe it’s the private soul in me. Maybe it’s a combination of both. Whatever it is, there’s that part of me which no one sees. No one save a small one or two … maybe three. Personality trait of mine … to only allow a very few inside. INFJ. We seek spiritual/soul connections early in life and then cling to those same souls for a lifetime.

Many people know me and who I am and what I do for them … make them laugh, smile, think, be better versions of themselves. These are my goals in relationships, friendships, acquaintance-ships – to follow the Golden Rule, to be kind always, to leave a person feeling better than before I spoke to them. Sometimes exhaustive, but it’s a mission … again, here, INFJ’s know exactly what I’m talking about. So, many people know me and who I am … but not me. The inner me. The dastardly me. The emotive me. The thinking me. Those who do, know they do – it’s as if our beings have always known each other and will for eternity be connected despite distance or time. There is such beauty in this. Beauty and heartache. For it seems that those souls I long for most are the ones I find myself bereft of most. Still …

This morning, I received this text … “I am thankful for you! And for hugs that say more than any words could and for looks that share more understanding than anyone else could realize!” Better than any Hallmark card could ever achieve. To that kindred spirit who sent me those amazing words, I say, I love you with every fiber of my being. Life separates us physically though we live so close but never where and how it matters most. Your friendship is a gift. It is treasured and you are a wonder to me. No matter where we go or what we do, we will always have the same moon and I will always help you differentiate between favorite colors. Blue and green are both nice … but if those moments arise where we need to determine which is more like the ocean and which is more like a storm, I am your girl. We will have that talk. Thank you for seeing me … and I thank God for the day we met 21 years ago.

To the soul who texted me last night just simply, “I love you,” after a brief encounter … thank you. Those 3 words lift me. I know no matter what I feel, say, or do, you are there. I love you too. Funny how we could sit in a room together – 6 people – for over two hours and have said not much to each other at all, but have known and felt what was necessary. Thank you for knowing I needed your words and assurance. You are a rock. I love you and all your cussin’. Beautiful you.

Another … you know. You just know. You’ve always known. So for me to title this, “The World Inside Me No One Knows” is fallacious. There are those. And I’m thinking of you before I head to work. I’m thinking over many things. Probably overthinking …

This morning – I’m contemplative. I realize I’ve not been on here much over the last few weeks. Sometimes life overwhelms and words cannot handle what my heart holds. This is not a venue for me to discuss anger and fears and mishaps and regrets and pen words to hurt. Sometimes it is better to say nothing … there is value in a word held in for the betterment of others. I know plenty of folks who believe that speaking the mind is the better course of action. That’s fine … for them. God created us all to be parts of a whole. This part will hold her tongue. This part will not put on blast those folks who hurt and damage and trample. This part will talk about love … this part of the whole. Sometimes, I don’t have the words … and that’s okay. But I’ve missed this space. I’ve missed sharing thoughts of kindness … I’ve just not had them that I could share.

Today, I am here.

Today, I share my life’s purpose …

Micah 6:8. He has shown you O’ man what is good, and what does the Lord require of you? To act justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with God.

That sums it up. Anything beyond I just don’t see. Act justly – do what is fair and right. Love mercy – be kind and compassionate, always knowing there’s more to any story. Walk humbly with God – I know I do not deserve his favor, but he gives it because he loves me beyond what I can imagine and I am better than no one, and therefore I will conduct myself in the manner he has stated … be just, show mercy, and love my neighbor as myself.

Doesn’t mean I don’t struggle …. just need to focus … choose life.

I am an Edutainer

Written on July 30, 2015 – STILL True Today

It is of greatest importance to me that the classroom environment is a win for student and teacher alike.

This is not the responsibility of the student, it is the duty of the teacher. The students walk through the door into the teacher’s world, the teacher’s lair, the space in which the teacher is larger than life, busting at the seams to share amazingness beyond question, dreams beyond imagination, information to blow the minds of learners – at least they should. Far too often students walk in and bring their own worlds and teachers shrink back, keep their heads down, make little eye contact. I’ve heard instructors bellow it’s my way, not theirs. Fine if you want to teach like that. It doesn’t work. Not with adults.

What does work … me fostering an atmosphere of humor, knowledge, and satisfaction. Students never want to feel that their time is wasted. Therefore it is on me, the onus is on me, to bring to the table what is valuable to each and every student in the room. How? Watch them. Make eye contact with each one individually, repeatedly, and offer smiles, share a look of understanding, use body language to ease the room. Be open fronted – arms at the side or talking with them to the sides. No big gestures. Be welcoming. Talk to the students – don’t rush into the materials. Have a Q & A period at the beginning with interview type questions where they answer some orally and you too answer out loud … share with the adult student. Be real. They will not listen to someone who is not real, authentic, and helps them take a mental break from the stressors outside the walls of the classroom. Make content relevant to their lives. Answer that question – Why should I listen to you?

My favorite instructors throughout my college experiences were the ones who fostered this type of classroom environment. Calm. Debate oriented – without harmful emotion. Much humor. And loads of information but all told in a relevant fashion to the needs of the student. Never is this a dumbing down of the material, but a challenge to the instructor to bring classroom materials in a different way each and every time it is presented. Every set of students is different – every student is different. There are no cookie boxes where every one fits the same mold. Each and every student is important, is unique, and deserves the education they’re paying for.

Lazy teachers grain on my last ever-loving nerve.

Self-serving teachers are in the wrong job field.

Education is a service. Good teachers do it because they are passionate to share their subject. Good teachers also realize that times change and so must they … specific methods do not always work. Education is fluid. It is about the students as much as it is about the content … the teacher is the vessel … be a vessel that folks want to jump on board with.

Otherwise, it’s just another semester with a sea of folks feeling they paid a lot of money for a waste of time and just glad when it’s over. That’s sad. The college classroom is an incredible opportunity to CHANGE lives. Rock worlds. Set folks on a new path they’d not known they could travel before. Just takes effort on the part of the teacher.

So … when I am privileged to step out from behind my Registrar desk and put my teacher cap back on … I come alive.

I am a damn good teacher. Give me a subject and a little time, I’ll figure out a way to present that material to whatever group of people. Sounds cocky I know … it’s not. I just know myself and this is where my talent lies. I feel most alive, invigorated, pumped when sharing information with people that raises eyebrows, pops on light bulbs over heads, makes heads nod, and notes to be taken from students who’ve never taken a note before. It’s about reading students … seeing them, talking to them, seeing through them … and then quick thinking, relate the course material to them in a manner THEY will understand, grasp, and hold forever.

Retention should never be a problem. I’ve taught plenty of students with all manner of stories, but with each one if you make their education valuable, they’ll find a way to school. They’ll find a way or they’ll stay in communication. People are hungry to be cared about and people are hungry to know things … FEED that hunger. FEED the hunger.

Don’t be afraid of how you’ll look. Please … give me a microphone and a room full of people and this introvert turn into some comedian who’s stepped out of her own skin and taken the place by storm. Amazes me. Exhausts me. But there’s nothing I love more. It’s those changes in students … man, there’s nothing like being a part of that.

So … I know my subject backward and forward. I study the demographics of my students. I know about my students. And I toss in some humor along with telling them that I get that their minds are busy – that folks only hear information presented to them through the fog of their busy minds … and that my goal is to provide a haven from life … that in that classroom they can escape for a little while and feed on knowledge and relax, laugh, be real.

I’m an Edutainer.

This morning I had my opportunity in the sun … and teaching English Composition II was glorious. We went back and forth with serious and humorous interview questions – talked about the appropriate way to answer them … discussed different ways to answer them in different environments. We discussed tips and tricks to make writing tighter. They learned today they do not know the correct definition of the word “Argument” … now they do. Rational debate sans emotion… or Manipulation in its ugliest definition, she says with a smile. Ah …. I shared with them nuggets of wonder … and they said they don’t want another teacher next week. Ack. I don’t want them to either … but I was a sub today. Relegated back to my duties when the clock struck 12 … like Cinderella.

Jokingly they said they’re all coming to my office next week for class if I’m not the teacher in the classroom. I laughed … but eek … I think they’re serious. And these are full grown men who hate English class … or so they thought before this Edutainer hit them with the imperative nature of words and the great power they hold … Ah … today. Love today.

Teaching is tops.
Check out “Reality Pedagogy” by Christopher Emdin.

His videos are all over YouTube. Love him. He’s the Guru of relative / relational teaching. I fangirl over him and his bowtie. Here’s the Reality Pedagogy Link. Enjoy!

Sitting In A State of Emergency

Written on August 10, 2015

Literally. Just declared a few short hours ago for St. Louis County in lieu of shootings yesterday on the anniversary of Michael Brown’s death. For a few moments, I watched the news this morning and shook my head.

This will never stop outside the realm of … well, I’m ahead of myself.

That sounds pessimistic – to say it will never stop, but it’s just a commentary on human nature. Human nature jumps to conclusions. Human natures looks out for self before others. Human nature jumps on bandwagons. Human nature chooses revenge over reconciliation. Human nature refuses to look at the larger picture of the good of humanity … the way that God does – seeing humanity as flawed but loved. Seeing humanity as in need of him, though they are ever pushing him away. How we must break the heart of God in our brokenness, anger, self-inflicted pain, and hate.

Boggles my mind and I pray that these things are far from me and my life as a believer … to see others through the eyes of God always is what I desire … to be patient, kind, forgiving, generous, to rejoice with others in their joys and to suffer with others in their suffering. This is the true state of emergency – that humanity MUST consider God’s ways as right and true and just … first of all to Love Him far and above all else. Then to love your neighbor as yourself.

Inside these two things, there is no room for the natural inclinations of human nature. This life is to be about love and not the love that is within the power of humanity but from the Power of the Most High. Love that leaps beyond understanding into the realm of the unconditional. Love when it’s uncomfortable. Love when it’s painful. Love when it’s glorious. Love – always. What does God the Father require of you? Of me? To act justly. To love mercy. To walk humbly with him. That’s Micah 6:8. Inside those words …. is love. God’s love. Through this and these is the only way the State of Emergency will end. When all of humanity can recognize that all humanity matters – no matter creed, color, choice … in the eyes of the Father, we are all children to whom He has given CHOICE. A choice to live in a state of emergency or a choice to love without measure.

Look at that … the messenger just heard the message. Spoke to my own self …

He Never Knew There Was So Much Beautiful Beyond the Streets of St. Louis

Reposting AGAIN. Today it is June 8, 2020. It’s been 5 years since Jerrell came into my office. I pray to God that he is still venturing out into this vast world that God created and loving life! Please take a few moments to read about a conversation a young black man and I had one day in my office.

Written on August 10, 2015

He wanted to show me his video of the beach. At that moment, I hit a crossroad – my desk was cluttered with the remnants of three separate projects I’m tasked with this week – all to be complete by Friday. Insurmountable. All I wanted to do was stay buckled down, not look up, keep my eyes on the computer accomplishing one tidbit at a time. Climbing mountains with my fingers as minutes passed … and then he walked in, smile wide, excited to talk. A graduate, back to tie up some loose ends on campus with Career Services. He passed my office and we caught eyes – it was enough. He came in and I felt a disquiet – like … oh no … I have to keep going, have to keep working, can’t stop, must not stop, but he started to talk. Decision time for me. So much work to do ….

I let my fingers rest and an infectious smile filled his face.

Without hesitation, he launched into talking. His grandmother called him yesterday, wanting to make sure he wasn’t involved in the protesting in Ferguson. “Nah, Grandma, I’m on the beach.” And he was. In Florida. His eyes grew wide when he told me how amazing it was! Then he wanted to show me the video. I watched with pleasure. “I had no idea,” he said. Then, going on to tell me that after graduation, he hooked up with some musicians and ended up going on an 18 state tour with them – stepping outside of St. Louis for the first time in his life. “It’s beautiful everywhere!” We talked about the mountains in Virginia. We talked about the ocean. We talked about California. And he wanted to demonstrate for me how the break between sand and ocean blew his mind … just a total separation of water and land. As far as he could see, the ocean took his breath away. Never had he seen anything like it. He kept thanking God as we talked for getting him out of St. Louis for that time. Thanking God for making such amazing places. Thanking God for giving him the opportunity to see there’s so much beyond the streets of St. Louis, beyond the guns, the drugs, the atrocities of the streets.

This young, handsome black man standing in my office told me he’s 28 now and he wants to make it to 35 …. We both became emotional when he talked about friends he lost to violence at the age of 13, 15, 18, 21, 25 … they never got to see the things he had. They never knew there was so much beautiful beyond the city limits of St. Louis. He said, “I’ve lost so many.” And my heart broke for him, yet soared with pride to hear him say now he knows. He’s got his college degree and he’s traveled and he’s seen there’s so much to life. He doesn’t want to be on the streets but knows the pull is strong. It worries him, but he knows he has to stay busy – focus on his music. Said he’s going to get me some CDs of his music … “I know you probably don’t like hip-hop,” he said to me. “I’ll listen to yours,” I told him. To that, another wide smile awarded me.

When he first started school he walked the halls flirting with all the girls and the teachers, didn’t focus much on work, just came to play … time changed that. Upon graduation, he was awarded the Pharmacy Tech student of the year. And there in my office today, even more grown, stood a man giving thanks to God for all of the beauties of creation, amazed at what God had created for him to see, blessed beyond measure to be alive at 28 and holding a college degree. Oh, my heart. To hear him exclaim how he knows he has to be an example now for all the young men out there making poor choices on the street. They just don’t know different. Now he does, he says, and he wants to show them there’s so much more.

Join me please in praying for Jerrell. He’s a good man – giant heart – brilliant smile – opened eyes. Pray for his safety and pray for strength to withstand temptations of a past life. Pray God grants him more travels and multiple opportunities to bless the lives of young men who know no other way than the violence of the streets. Pray for St. Louis tonight – Ferguson – that all people will know and understand that black lives matter – as do all lives.

Thank you, God, for stopping my fingers for a while today. I love how blessings multiply. His story of blessings blessed me in the midst of my hurry and skurry. Sometimes … we just have to stop and listen. You know? Yeah.

June 8, 2020 … in light of everything that is happening in our world right now, I felt this was HIGHLY appropriate to share again. People … we are ALL people. Created in God’s image. Get out there and love on each other. Listen. Laugh. Love. Work together. Take the plank out of your own eye before attempting to remove the speck in someone else’s. Let’s make this thing called life into something beautiful. It takes YOU making a decision for today to be kind, to listen, and to love. It takes ME making that same decision every day. It is doable.