Speaking in Questions … Ugh. But You Know What … Let Them.

This trendy new speech pattern that many young women and some men have adopted and have conformed to in the last couple of years is making my brain hurt. Ending most sentences in a manner that sounds like the sentence is a question makes me want to disregard everything that comes out of those individuals’ mouths. These people, with their upturned tones at the end of sentences, sound timid, like they are unsure of what they’re talking about – and I do not understand why anyone would do this damage to the way that others perceive them – probably they do not understand that it is damaging their professional image – that it makes them sound ineffective, unsure, insecure, without information, and unreliable – if not to their own generation, but to older generations who do matter and to those in their own generation who understand the viability of nonverbal language. I’m watching the news right now, and a woman who is clearly close to my age is speaking in that manner (she’s a celebrity reporter – insert a roll of the eyes), and I cannot take her seriously.

I hear students and younger-than-me educators talk like this. It permeates most places I go. These individuals sound like they are unsure whether what they are saying is true or factual. My thoughts here are not unfounded.

Nonverbal research proves that 90% of communication is, in fact, nonverbal. With 38% being tone of voice. In the article “How Much of Communication is Nonverbal?” by The University of Texas – Permian Basin, this information is discussed. “According to the 55/38/7 formula, nearly 40% of a person’s attitude is conveyed vocally through tone and inflection, so try to ensure that your tone matches whatever message you’re trying to convey. You can also try speaking in a deeper voice. Research has shown that people who speak with a low-pitched voice are rated more authoritative and competent than those who speak with a higher pitch.” This is not the only research study regarding these statistics or this fact-based information. There are innumerable studies online conducted by a vast array of researchers – and the studies come to the same conclusions. The Social Skills Center in the article “Why Your Tone of Voice is So Important” says, “Your pitch is how high or low your voice sounds, as well as how it fluctuates during communication. A high-pitched voice can sound immature or uncertain; in contrast, a low-pitched voice generally is interpreted as serious and authoritative. Additionally, the way pitch fluctuates throughout a conversation can affect the way it is interpreted, such as how when pitch suddenly grows high at the end of a sentence, it generally means the speaker is asking a question.” – Asking a question because they are unsure of their message! They are not confident, and it is evident in their nonverbals, which they are unaware of – and that starts another conversation. It is imperative to be aware of your nonverbals! Imperative.

After consideration, I have come to this conclusion – Let them. Let them speak that way. Let them be unaware of their nonverbals. Let them not consider their tone of voice. Those of us who are bothered by vocal trends, like the valley-girl trend of the 80s, who understand the importance of tone in Nonverbal language will continue to move toward serious and confident exchanges. I will continue to use the tone of my voice to espouse confidence and intelligence, and I will sound like I know what I’m talking about. This is scientific study-based, not just my irritated-by-the-trend opinion. Now … I will continue to address this in my classrooms when we discuss job skills … but anyone else … “Let Them” will be my approach.

Thank you to Mel Robbins and the “Let Them Theory” for helping me to state my opinion, but then to also … Let it go.

{Neither of my Gen Z daughters talks in questions – and I am PROUD of my nonconformist daughters who do their own thing – even with their speech patterns!}

The Antithesis of Critical Thought – A Battle Worth Fighting

“They should all be shot in the head so that the good people can get on with their lives.”

These words, which I read on a social media post thread in the Fall of 2020, will never leave my head; they are etched there for all of the time I have left on this earth. They were written in response to anti-vaxxers choosing not to get the vaccine. The individuals in that conversation appear to believe that the world would be a better place if all those who did not get a C*V*D vaccine were killed off. THEN … the “good” people could get on with their lives.

Am I the only one who sees a lack of logic here?

I’m a Composition Professor, and my job is to teach Critical Thinking skills (the intellectually disciplined process of actively and skillfully conceptualizing, applying, analyzing, synthesizing, and/or evaluating information gathered from, or generated by, observation, experience, reflection, reasoning, or communication, as a guide to belief and action. In its exemplary form, it is based on universal intellectual values that transcend subject matter divisions: clarity, accuracy, precision, consistency, relevance, sound evidence, good reasons, depth, breadth, and fairness. – The Foundation for Critical Thinking). These wildly partisan and close-minded, even hate-filled, words – “They should all be shot in the head so that the good people can get on with their lives.” – were on a social media post written by an individual who also is a Professor whose job is to teach Critical Thinking skills in higher education. I find it beyond concerning that a person who is to teach students to not only think for themselves but also to question ideas and information and to write strong arguments can be of such an opinion, which is, in and of itself, the antithesis of critical thinking. (An Argument, in the manner used in Composition courses, is a statement or set of statements that you use in order to try to convince people that your opinion about something is correct. – Collins Dictionary.)

Common Sense (sound and prudent judgment based on a simple perception of the situation or facts – Merriam-Webster) states that if there are two sides to an issue and the side with the stronger amount of power goes ahead and kills off the faction with a differing viewpoint – within a short period of time, there again will arise an issue on which that remaining group of “good” people will find themselves disagreeing. Will the group in power apply the same “logic” as before? “They should all be shot in the head so that the good people can get on with their lives.” It follows with that type of initial “thinking” that yes, again, the population gets halved. And so on and so forth.

Is this a Slippery Slope Logical fallacy (a course of action that seems to lead inevitably from one action or result to another with unintended consequences – Merriam-Webster)? Or is it straight common sense? I shouldn’t have to ask because the statement that started the conversation is without a shred of actual logic or critical thought but, rather it contains emotion and lack of consideration for opposing perspectives, including ‘science’ which contains evidence to the contrary regarding vaccines that people in power silenced and called disinformation. Why? Ah, there’s that beautiful word – Why.

True argument and strong critical thinking begin with an acknowledgment that people hold different viewpoints – the world around. Not just an acknowledgment but also the willingness to understand the WHY behind the beliefs and ideas of opposing perspectives. WHY is the keyword. Take some time to discover why. Consider other perspectives and why they exist. Think on those based and rooted in experience and fact. Challenge with calmness and rationale those perspectives based on feelings and baseless attempts at argument. These are easy to recognize if you educate yourself, as the curriculum does for my classes, in Rhetorical Devices (a linguistic tool that employs a particular type of sentence structure, sound, or pattern of meaning in order to evoke a particular reaction from an audience. – ThoughtCo), Logical Fallacies (an argument that may sound convincing or true but is actually flawed, leading to an unsupported conclusion. – Scribbr), cognitive dissonance (the state of having inconsistent thoughts, beliefs, or attitudes, especially as relating to behavioral decisions and attitude change. – Oxford Languages), confirmation bias (people’s tendency to process information by looking for, or interpreting, information that is consistent with their existing beliefs. – Britannica), and nonverbal language (the act of conveying information without the use of words. Nonverbal communication occurs through facial expressions, gestures, body language, tone of voice, and other physical indications of mood, attitude, approbation, and so forth, some of which may require knowledge of the culture or subculture to understand. – APA Dictionary of Psychology).

In my Comp II classes, the first week begins with a biography of my life and some unique things about me. Then, I have the students tell something unique about themselves. Each one shares. After this sharing time, I stress how different we all are – and that our upbringings, our cultures, and our experiences shape our beliefs and values, and that none of us has had the same set of those – and because of this we will see the world through different eyes. I talk about how that should be exciting to us … It should entice us to talk to one another in an effort to understand the WHY behind beliefs and ideas, thus giving us an opportunity to learn and to grow and strengthen our own ideas. Then, I address how, unfortunately, we, the citizens of this spinning globe, gravitate only toward those whose thinking is similar to our own, and we are comfortable deciding that any person who has a different set of values or beliefs is wrong – and, in the case of the social media post on a colleague’s page – those with differing ideas should die off – seeing as only people who look like us and think like us could in any way be “good.” I tell my classes that we will rise above the emotion-based dramatic nature of ‘cancel’ culture (the practice or tendency of engaging in mass canceling as a way of expressing disapproval and exerting social pressure – Merriam-Webster), and we will remember that we are all different in beautiful ways, and it is a good thing that we see life from opposing perspectives and that we have the opportunity to look at life with a broader understanding of how small each of us is in the scheme of things, to know that there are bigger things than us at play in this world. In truth, we need each other. We need different ideas and perspectives if we want to … well, that starts me down another conversation, which I choose to reserve for another post.

In my classes, after the groundwork is laid for how to participate in true arguments and be critical thinkers, we discuss how being open to the ideas of others and being able to incorporate opposing perspectives into our arguments pushes us to understand where someone else is coming from, and how it also forces you to understand your own beliefs and WHY you hold the viewpoints that you do. Are your ideas based on assumptions, biases, and/or logical fallacy? Are they because your Momma and Daddy taught you to believe that way? Are they because CNN or FOX told you to believe it? Did you pick those ideas up at your church? Watching a TV preacher? Did your college professor fill your head with those ideas? Or do you have true facts, indisputable and verifiable from trustworthy sources – drawn from research that you yourself have conducted and weighed with logic and common sense sans emotional reactions? Where do the ‘facts’ come from? What are the motivations or beliefs of the sharers of those ‘facts’? Do not just believe what you read and what you are told. Deep dive into information on which you feel compelled to assert an opinion. On a consistent basis, I tell my students to listen in class but not to 100% take my word for it on multiple subjects. I tell them to research the information for themselves. Know why you believe what you believe. Know it.

Recently, a student questioned (outside of class) the source of some statistical data regarding a topic I shared in class. Information I shared with a desire for the students to apply critical thought to the matter – to look up information for themselves. The student wanted to use my information, though, for a research paper in another course. My source for that particular data was one I felt certain another professor might disregard due to political affiliation, so I dug in and assisted the student in locating information in that same vein from a Yale University-based study, which would be a more acceptable source of statistical data for a paper in that professor’s course – being that it was an Academic resource, not a news media source. Be willing to dive beyond depths of comfort and like-minded resources in making an argument. Using data from sources that the opposing perspective will trust or the ‘reader’ will trust is essential. In order to accomplish this, it is incumbent on the arguer to take time with research and knowledge. Think. Know why you believe what you believe and be able to back it up. I digress …

We are able, in class, to discuss topics like racism, consent, and politics because we establish uniqueness and common ground before stepping into ‘arguments.’ We research and bring information to the table, and we hold discussions in the classroom and in discussion threads online – maintaining respect for one another in the midst of disagreement and diversity. I insist on this – and by taking the time to lay the groundwork – this happens on a consistent basis. Most of the time, eyes open, new ideas form, and students find themselves growing in unexpected ways. If I can lead them toward critical thinking – using the rhetorical devices logos and ethos above pathos (Logos appeals to the audience’s reason, building up logical arguments. Ethos appeals to the speaker’s status or authority, making the audience more likely to trust them. Pathos appeals to the emotions, trying to make the audience feel angry or sympathetic – Scribbr) – then I accomplish a worthy feat. Pathos is important, but it is deceiving and manipulative if we get the prettified use of it in ‘argument’ in politics, religion, sales, and law … logical fallacies, cognitive dissonance, and confirmation bias abound.

Every semester, I tell stories. Lots of stories. My life is a playbook of lessons for others in the realms of critical thinking and communication skills. How not to do this. How not to do that. This is what happened when. You know, life events that brought me to this passionate space regarding communication and argument and seeking truth in a sea of serpents and chaotic drama. One particular story I tell every time I discuss the definition of argument and one of its foundational steps is about my daughters, who at this time are 26 and 24. This event occurred 10 years ago when they were 16 and 14, teenagers who knew more than me. Insert a smirk.

It was a sunny day … how’s that for a beginning? I do not remember if it was a sunny day, but I was cooking dinner. In my space, the kitchen. My domain where I stood most days fixing dinner for my family. The 16 and 14-year-old daughters-o-mine enter the kitchen, bringing their fight with them. We will not use the word argument, because this was in no way a true argument. It was emotion-packed – angry and self-seeking – and neither girl was listening (different from hearing – “In their definitions alone, it’s clear to see the big difference between the two. Listening requires attention, meaning it’s active. Hearing is passive — you can’t close your ears, so sounds will enter and be heard. This makes it involuntary.” – University of the People) to a word the other actually said.

“Mom, she ….”

“Mom, she …”

Back and forth they went, both trying to score Mom’s approval – to win the fight. My focus was on dinner, not on their inability to communicate with one another on a semi-rational level, and their mess of need for winning caused my concentration on the task in front of me which included chicken and seasonings to get off track. I turned around, spice jar in hand, and in a calm voice said, “That’s it. You’re neither one loving your neighbor as yourself.” I stared at them. Looking at one and then the other.

Silence. They looked at me. They looked at each other.

The fight was over … they had common ground.

Mom is crazy.

They left the kitchen, no longer fighting, and I returned to making their dinner. Sheesh, people.

Common ground (a foundation of common interest or comprehension, as in a social relationship or a discussion. – Dictionary.com). It is a beautiful place to be, and we only get there by listening to the perspective of others, asking great questions like WHY, and drawing conclusions rooted in commonalities and solutions. Another way to put this is to treat others the way you want to be treated. Am I right? You want others to listen to you and to consider your thoughts, ideas, and opinions. So, likewise, listen to theirs. It’s not complicated.

I write this with the hope that one person will stop and think about the Why as they walk through their day encountering differing perspectives. Ideally, a movement of people who think for themselves would be fantastic … alas, this world and the status of it does not give me that much hope. Always at war. Here or there. Always fighting. Pointing fingers. Selfishness. Narcissism. Me, me, me, me. Dehumanization. Not seeing the value in others beyond being stepping stones to our own desires. You know … the “good” people getting on with their lives.

It won’t stop me, though. I will be an advocate for true argument, for critical thought, for considering the “Why,” for asking questions, for great conversations, for … peace.

I do not push my own politics on students. I strive to teach them to THINK FOR THEMSELVES because I do not want any of them to be sheeple (people who copy what other people do or believe what they are told and do not think for themselves. Sheeple is a combination of the words sheep and people. – Cambridge Dictionary). I have to do this, must do this, because there are those in my career field who preach the exact opposite from their podiums. They embrace cancel culture and indoctrination of masses of students into their own political ideologies. They say things like, “They should all be shot in the head so that the good people can get on with their lives.” Not only them but the news media, politicians, and some preachers are all set on telling people what to believe, and they do it in ways they know people will not question. CNN reported it; it must be true. FOX showed a picture of the breaking scene; it must be accurate. To this, I sigh, and I share here a quote I have in my Comp II syllabus. The portion in blue is what my syllabus holds, but the entire quote is appropriate to this discussion. Too often, “we enjoy the comfort of opinion without the discomfort of thought.” ~ JFK

“The great enemy of truth is very often not the lie–deliberate, contrived, and dishonest–but the myth–persistent, persuasive, and unrealistic. Too often we hold fast to the cliches of our forebears. We subject all facts to a prefabricated set of interpretations. We enjoy the comfort of opinion without the discomfort of thought.” – John F. Kennedy – Commencement Address at Yale University, June 11, 1962

It’s a battle worth fighting.

So, You Need to Be Right? Why?

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The last year and eight months of my life have been blessed beyond my understanding, and I attribute this to God’s grace and wisdom and His gift of my husband, Patrick. In that time, I have learned much about love – some of which I knew for years deep in my soul had to be possible but never thought I deserved (especially because I was told I didn’t deserve it), thinking it was for other, better people. I want to share what I have learned with you, and you’ll read it if you want to consider how to be peaceful in your relationships.

I don’t care what the situation is; fighting wastes time. There is no ‘but’ to that statement. It is what it is. And it is a choice. Fighting stems from one person not getting their way, not feeling respected, insecure, or embarrassed by their partner. Each of those things is emotion-based. Emotions have choice behind them. We choose to remain in feelings. Whether it be anger, frustration, hate, sadness, or embarrassment. It is a choice to remain in any of them. Each of those things is self-focused – not the other person concerned. Remaining in such a state will keep a relationship in turmoil. There are no ifs, ands, or buts about that.

Argument is an altogether different thing from fighting. In argument, there are no harsh words, no name-calling, and no raised voices –no hateful eyes, no drool, no violence. According to the actual definition, an argument is a back-and-forth exchange of ideas in a calm and courteous manner. It is valuing the other person and listening to their thoughts and opinions without chiming in every two seconds or even every minute while speaking to pronounce one’s thoughts and try to be right or “win.” Argument is listening to understand and seeking the best solutions to issues for all parties involved. It is about giving respect – which can NEVER be demanded. It cannot be questioned. It cannot be expected – not for it to be real.

Respect is something earned. It will never come when demanded. Again, that is what it is. Respect is something earned by the maturity of an individual to decide to treat others in kind, efficient, productive, and challenging ways. Not by tearing them down, calling them names, abusing them in any way, playing victim cards, or controlling them. What those bring about is not respect … those things bring fear, anxiety, and hate … that’s what demanding respect creates. Hate. The exact opposite of respect – not to mention love.

I listen to people fight and think, “what a waste.” It is. A total waste of time – my soul has always known this. I thought this as a child. I felt it during my young adulthood, and I’ve always felt it in work relationships, friendships, and as a mother of fighting children. During a fight, no one truly listens – each person prepares their next diatribe or escape – fight or flight – be louder, be angrier, be violent, get that person’s attention no matter what – WHICH DOES NOT WORK in the way a fighter wants. WIN! No. There are no winners – this is not Boxing or MMA. This is your life. This is your home at stake. Productivity and health do not come from in-fighting in marriages or relationships. I never found value in fighting (the opposite of true argument). It is a waste of time and energy. And … it’s a choice.

Regularly I tell my students that I want them to get the application of this deep in their souls earlier in life than I did. My ENFJ personalitied self wants all people to get this – fighting wastes time, and it is by choice.

You decide how you want to live and how you want to be in relationships. You are responsible for YOU before God in Heaven. Only You. How do YOU treat others? That’s what matters. The world would have you believe you have a right to complain about how others treat you, to get your feathers ruffled because this person upset you or hurt you, that you can feel justified in your anger at another person because they did you wrong somehow. Really. That’s not a question. That’s me saying … really, no. You are responsible for your own damn self, so watch out for pointing your finger at others because those three pointing back at you should remind you that you’re allowing yourself to feel anger built on something inside you. The question is why. What is at the root of that anger? Where is it coming from inside of you? This imperative question is where AA principles come into play.

We have basic instincts/needs as humans. These include Self-Esteem, Personal Relations, Security, and Ambition. When these are threatened in any way, resentments are born in us. When we hold resentment regarding any event or person, before jumping into a “right” to destroy said person or event, we must question which of these basic human instincts has been ‘affronted’ in us/you, and in that affront, what is your responsibility? Have you been self-seeking, dishonest, fearful? From there, if you hold even a variant of responsibility (which we usually do), ask yourself what the exact nature of your response/responsibility is using the seven deadly sins as a guide: envy, gluttony, greed or avarice, lust, pride, sloth, and wrath. What is happening inside of YOU that needs to be dealt with before you can point fingers at others? AA is about personal responsibility, and that is everything. Your responsibilities. Your choices. How you handle your instincts and the affronts to your instincts. When we don’t look inside ourselves and root out the WHY of our aggressions and the reasons we fight, we will continue to put ourselves before others and be angry.

There is no room for resentment or selfishness (which is a response in direct correlation to resentment born from instincts being attacked/hurt) in marriage. None. There is no room for selfishness in a healthy relationship – that applies to siblings, friends, coworkers, parents, and marriage. The same principles apply across the board. Whenever I talk about these things with anyone, especially in my classes where we discuss communication skills and arguments… it always comes down to one central idea. Love your neighbor as yourself. Treat others the way you want to be treated. To be able to practice these things, taking a deep hard look into your resentments is an important consideration. Understand yourself and why you react and respond the way you do so that you can be better with who YOU are. You have to be good with YOU so you can even begin to be effective in relationships with others. THEN, love your neighbor as yourself and treat others as you want to be treated come into play. Both of those are choices, and they are truly the same idea. Be kind and respectful – to everyone – even yourself.

Before those, though, for true peace and happiness in any relationship comes ‘Love the Lord your God will all of your heart, soul, mind, and strength’ Want to know how to have peace in your marriage and relationships? Get to know God on an intimate level. Read His word. Talk to Him. Meditate.

Romans 12:9-18 comes to mind as an excellent passage to meditate on.

^“9Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. ¹⁰Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. ¹¹Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. ¹²Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. ¹³Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality.

¹⁴Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. ¹⁵Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. ¹⁶Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position.^[a] Do not be conceited.

¹⁷Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. ¹⁸If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”

Patrick always says, at the end of the day, ask yourself if you’re comfortable in your own skin – are you good with who you are? I like that, but I want to add this thought … at the end of your life, when you stand before God, you are responsible for yourself alone. Your choices. Your responses. How you CHOSE to live your life. This life will not be long. It passes fast. Our time here is to be spent in good, productive ways, spreading love to people who need love, everyone you encounter. Especially your spouse and close relationships. Why would you waste time?

My husband Patrick and I choose to keep God first in our lives. We both strive to treat one another appropriately – knowing this … Patrick is a child of God, and I am a child of God. Neither of us has the right to tear down, hurt, or denigrate in any way a child of God – i.e., each other. We understand this, and we choose to be devoted to one another. We do not fight. We discuss. We choose peace. Our home is peaceful. That’s not to say that potential divisive things do not arise because they do.

But we VALUE each other more than either of us needs to be “right.”

Maybe you’ve heard me, and maybe you haven’t. Maybe my inclusion of God into the equation puts you off. Sorry, not sorry. He is the answer to all of this – that’s basic. If you are resistant to the addition of God in the equation, all I can do is share my insights and experience based on wisdom, research, teaching ‘argument skills’ to thousands of students, my life’s roller-coaster path, and the goodness of God through it all. If you want to get along with people, learn how to participate in a true argument. This action requires knowing and respecting yourself and your audience before engaging with your audience. It is never about demanding that others respect you or agree with you. Never. You may get a ‘modicum’ of what you’re after because it comes to you based on fear, anxiety, or hate, but it won’t be real. Not true respect. That audience will fight you – even if it is silent and unnoticed by you – hate will grow. And then … BOOM!

It’s all a choice, so be the best version of yourself that you can be.

To tag this at the end, some people are incapable of this critical thinking process. Being in a relationship with them will remain toxic for you and your children if you have them. Here, again, lies another choice. If this is your situation, help does exist. I found a Bible-believing therapist who taught me how to establish boundaries and how to value myself as a Child of God. I took steps to learn healthy means of communication – I made big changes in my life, and now, I am at peace. I chose to walk away from toxicity. I reference Romans 12:18 again, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” If it is possible. It is not always possible with some people. You have a choice.

Did You Hear The Mouth Jumped All Over the Left Hand?

Every single day at a workplace shake-your-head moments happen. Am I right? Don’t answer because more than likely your reaction was “Uh, yeah” accompanied by either a slight eye roll or head bob and multitudes of examples exploded in your mind. “This one time,” or “Bob. That guy Bob. He always …” Leave it. Let it lie.

Why? Because every single day at a workplace, there’s at least one person who has a shake-your-head moment at you. Truth.

And that’s okay. It is. And why? Because we are humans and human beings are exceedingly faulty.

Just this week, I played witness to and unwitting participant in events which needed no managerial concern. A classic scenario of the left hand not knowing what the right hand is doing. Instead of the right hand reaching out to the left hand, he decides to get the mouth involved. Now, the mouth is not directly connected to the similar duties of the hands, but tries to come and say many words in an effort to keep the perceived errant left hand in line. Then the nose wants in on it, cause well, the nose is nosey and before too much time passes, the whole body is jittering with news of the left hand’s failure. And sadly, all along, the left hand just needed a bit of guidance from the right hand – who withheld said information and ran the to the mouth to avoid direct contact with the left hand for whatever reason. Shake-your-head moments on all sides. “Can you believe?” “The left hand never does it right.” “Did you hear the mouth jumped all over the left hand?” “The left hand is getting cut loose, right?” “That right hand is such a kiss-up.” “The mouth and the right hand spend a lot of time together – wonder what’s up with that?” “Shh, here comes the nose.” ��And it plays on. It played on this week.

And I was sad.

I choose to see each individual I work with as human, capable of error, capable of success, incapable of 100% keeping personal from work. My shake-your-head moments come when the onslaught of gossip rages around and drama unfolds that takes valuable working time, draws away from productivity because HR has to become involved, or lawyers, or management, or whoever for whatever reason. Why is perfection expected from all else but oneself? Jumping to conclusions is the greatest of work past-times. It happens. Don’t say you’re not guilty of it.

We all are and it negatively affects our success …. Perception –> Behavior –> Performance.

Workplace performance success comes when all function as a team. Yes, here’s team-talk … there’s no “I” in “Team.” (Rolled your eyes? Me too.) Not everyone needs to be on the same project or in the same department, or even like each other … BUT, variety is key … and TEAM performance comes in recognizing we are all human, capable of error, and worthy of consideration, kindness, and guidance. We are folks who use and rely on computers and we all know how reliable computers are. In fact, we choose to let them do our communication for us …

Which in my vaguely mentioned example herein was the crux of the matter. Email. Ah, email. In a fast-paced work environment, relying on communication to solely consist of digital communication is faulty, can be misinterpreted, has no face-to-face-to-read-body-language ability. How many work situations run downhill because fingers and black and white letters are relied on to convey need and necessity.

I just can’t. I’m a get-up and go talk kind of work-gal. My theme is to maintain solid working relationships with each department and every work-mate. Part to ensure I get done what I need done when I need it done. Yes. Is that manipulative? I guess it can be seen that way, but the question of motive arises. Do I wish ill things on my coworkers? No. Do I want to see other departments fail? No. I want that we as a company are successful. Will I lead any of my coworkers to wrongdoing. Never. Our cumulative success comes only when we work together and I baffle at the many who do not pursue their work lives in this way.

It’s perspective … perception … and that is chosen. You choose to shake your head or communicate. I choose to shake my head or communicate. Every day. Am I always on target with my goal of complete utopia in the workplace? Ha. I wish. But I strive to remember each day that we all see each other in much the same way – expecting perfection from others but hoping to have our own faults forgiven. That’s hypocritical but more normal than not.

Challenge? Think it through, right hand, before speaking to the mouth, especially before speaking to the nose. Go to the left hand and communicate with rational, thought-through speaking of words. Solve the problems. Move forward with the company. Stop the drama … Perceive all angles. Behave with the best interests of all. Let company performance top itself out!

Possible? Why not? All that stops us is ourselves.

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He Never Knew There Was So Much Beautiful Beyond the Streets of St. Louis

Reposting AGAIN. Today it is June 8, 2020. It’s been 5 years since Jerrell came into my office. I pray to God that he is still venturing out into this vast world that God created and loving life! Please take a few moments to read about a conversation a young black man and I had one day in my office.

Written on August 10, 2015

He wanted to show me his video of the beach. At that moment, I hit a crossroad – my desk was cluttered with the remnants of three separate projects I’m tasked with this week – all to be complete by Friday. Insurmountable. All I wanted to do was stay buckled down, not look up, keep my eyes on the computer accomplishing one tidbit at a time. Climbing mountains with my fingers as minutes passed … and then he walked in, smile wide, excited to talk. A graduate, back to tie up some loose ends on campus with Career Services. He passed my office and we caught eyes – it was enough. He came in and I felt a disquiet – like … oh no … I have to keep going, have to keep working, can’t stop, must not stop, but he started to talk. Decision time for me. So much work to do ….

I let my fingers rest and an infectious smile filled his face.

Without hesitation, he launched into talking. His grandmother called him yesterday, wanting to make sure he wasn’t involved in the protesting in Ferguson. “Nah, Grandma, I’m on the beach.” And he was. In Florida. His eyes grew wide when he told me how amazing it was! Then he wanted to show me the video. I watched with pleasure. “I had no idea,” he said. Then, going on to tell me that after graduation, he hooked up with some musicians and ended up going on an 18 state tour with them – stepping outside of St. Louis for the first time in his life. “It’s beautiful everywhere!” We talked about the mountains in Virginia. We talked about the ocean. We talked about California. And he wanted to demonstrate for me how the break between sand and ocean blew his mind … just a total separation of water and land. As far as he could see, the ocean took his breath away. Never had he seen anything like it. He kept thanking God as we talked for getting him out of St. Louis for that time. Thanking God for making such amazing places. Thanking God for giving him the opportunity to see there’s so much beyond the streets of St. Louis, beyond the guns, the drugs, the atrocities of the streets.

This young, handsome black man standing in my office told me he’s 28 now and he wants to make it to 35 …. We both became emotional when he talked about friends he lost to violence at the age of 13, 15, 18, 21, 25 … they never got to see the things he had. They never knew there was so much beautiful beyond the city limits of St. Louis. He said, “I’ve lost so many.” And my heart broke for him, yet soared with pride to hear him say now he knows. He’s got his college degree and he’s traveled and he’s seen there’s so much to life. He doesn’t want to be on the streets but knows the pull is strong. It worries him, but he knows he has to stay busy – focus on his music. Said he’s going to get me some CDs of his music … “I know you probably don’t like hip-hop,” he said to me. “I’ll listen to yours,” I told him. To that, another wide smile awarded me.

When he first started school he walked the halls flirting with all the girls and the teachers, didn’t focus much on work, just came to play … time changed that. Upon graduation, he was awarded the Pharmacy Tech student of the year. And there in my office today, even more grown, stood a man giving thanks to God for all of the beauties of creation, amazed at what God had created for him to see, blessed beyond measure to be alive at 28 and holding a college degree. Oh, my heart. To hear him exclaim how he knows he has to be an example now for all the young men out there making poor choices on the street. They just don’t know different. Now he does, he says, and he wants to show them there’s so much more.

Join me please in praying for Jerrell. He’s a good man – giant heart – brilliant smile – opened eyes. Pray for his safety and pray for strength to withstand temptations of a past life. Pray God grants him more travels and multiple opportunities to bless the lives of young men who know no other way than the violence of the streets. Pray for St. Louis tonight – Ferguson – that all people will know and understand that black lives matter – as do all lives.

Thank you, God, for stopping my fingers for a while today. I love how blessings multiply. His story of blessings blessed me in the midst of my hurry and skurry. Sometimes … we just have to stop and listen. You know? Yeah.

June 8, 2020 … in light of everything that is happening in our world right now, I felt this was HIGHLY appropriate to share again. People … we are ALL people. Created in God’s image. Get out there and love on each other. Listen. Laugh. Love. Work together. Take the plank out of your own eye before attempting to remove the speck in someone else’s. Let’s make this thing called life into something beautiful. It takes YOU making a decision for today to be kind, to listen, and to love. It takes ME making that same decision every day. It is doable.

Adjust Your Resume in 3 Easy Steps

Written on December 2, 2015

Go.

That’s the assignment. My “poor” … don’t feel sorry for them, it was splendid! … students just sat through a three-hour lecture on Comparison/Contrast Essays, Process Essays, Interview Skills, and Resume/Cover Letter Writing. Three hours – that’s condensed for me. Tight is what it was. Lots of information tossed at them and all invaluable. Speed talking I did. My materials stretch for hours … but in lieu of time and in keeping with the evening’s themes for essays, I clipped, chopped, dissected, made on-the-spot decisions of what from my arsenal of amazingness to share and after it all … the topic for tonight’s in-class writing … How to adjust my resume in 3 easy steps.

These are the subjects I tend to become most passionate about – anything within the realm of interpersonal communications. Getting and keeping jobs. Small tweaks to create giant results. How to manipulate for reception. How to become hard to replace instead of simply replaceable. How to be more than an employee with a bag for a face. Remembered. Valued. How to pay attention to Body language. Visuals. White space. Language choices. All of which I word vomited on them for over three hours. To be truthful, it was a three and a half hour lecture. Three hours sounded less extreme. Not a stitch of it boring. Not tooting my own horn there … just saying when the topic is relevant and the speaker is passionate, pens keep taking notes and ideas birth where they’d not been before and people’s lives change.

The student’s responses:

Your name should be the biggest font on the page and should suit your personality.
Never use the same action verb twice
Limit the resume to one page
Use order of importance in the flow of your resume – what makes you look best, put first: education, experience, etc.
Have the heading on both the resume and the cover letter match
Exclude all personal information
Have it look visually pleasing. Use white space.
Reflect information found on the company website on the cover letter
Highlight achievements and accomplishments over duties
Let them know I love to work and to work hard
Ensure it is to the point
Take out the objective unless it’s needed as space filler
Delete high school information
Place the things about you that are most port ant first – catch the reader’s eye
Six to ten years of work history is all that’s necessary
Make sure duties/achievements are relevant to company applying for
Be aware and accurate of all information you use – interviews are often based off of this
Do not overuse terms – this will help me look intelligent and creative
I am 100% guilty of having a cookie cutter resume … I must tailor it to each employee/customize it to the job
This. What they took from this evening. I’m pleased. So much more hit them all square between the eyes in my verbal assault of information this evening … I’m hopeful it all sinks in over time and my “minions” will move on to bigger and better opportunities in their lives! What fun!

Be as difficult to replace as you can be! Soft skills. Get some.

She Wore What to the Interview? Do’s & DON’T’s

Written on March 23, 2016

Found myself in an interview setting recently – a beautiful, plump sociological observatory – and I could not have been more amused by the parade of interviewees surrounding me. I’ve studied and taught Interview Skills for long that I take for granted most folks know how to dress professionally – somehow I feel like I’ve told them all – until this interviewee parade at an Insurance company.

Me watching and taking mental notes – the wannabe sociologist / soft skills coach:

Professional dress does not mean 5-inch heels that are only meant for a New York runway.
Whilst waiting to be interviewed, do not take selfies. Especially multiple. With duck lips.
Do not haunch over in your seat with your cell phone the center of your attention.
In fact … put that dadgum thing away. Put it away. Do not touch it. Just don’t. No. Don’t. Put. It. Down.
Professional dress does not mean acid-washed jeans and an untucked white button-down shirt with an anchor pattern. It really doesn’t.
Giant strings of pearls that draw the eyes to one’s bosom – also not the top-notch of ideas for professional dress.
Small suitcases doubling as purses in a variety of patterns – not suited for a professional environment. No, don’t argue. They’re not.
To the gentlemen with the solid brown or black leather briefcases … go on, you. Get it. True.
Please don’t bend over … no … oh, she did and the moon shone. Yeah, a short skirt … not for an interview. Really … some of us should never wear them anywhere.
If you have a gut … find a suit that fits and doesn’t cause you to appear like a lollipop character from AdventureTime. Ouch. I know. Sorry?
Flip flops under no circumstances constitute professional attire. Really.
Muttering. It’s unattractive. Not sure if you were speaking to me or around me or to your ghost friend … awkward.
Leopard print stretch pants … not professional. Well … not in THAT environment … you know where I saw you wearing those. Now … maybe elsewhere, across the River perhaps.
You told the receptionist what about your resume – the one that was a requirement for the interview? That your printer died? That you had no ink? That it’s on your jump drive and can she print it for you? (Do you see a printer at her desk?) Can you email it to her? Oh dear goodness … person after person. Seriously?
So, you had your resume with you, but it’s in a stack of jumbled loose papers that your scrambling to hold in your arms and not drop all over the floor … I see. Organization is key.
Cleavage. No. Put them away. Please. I’m uncomfortable. These guys are all trying to study their shoes.
SMILE. Look like you want to be here. Sit up straight. Or don’t. Whatevs. Maybe you don’t really need a job. You’re just here to pass some time. Could be.

There’s more … but suffice it to say. Catastrophe. My heart goes out to the owner and the hiring managers. Not the pool of applicants they’d hope to see – it was all over their faces. One after another. And I smirked. Wrong? Perhaps. But I did.

Be prepared before an interview. First of all – know it’s never about you. It’s about the company you’re applying for. It’s about their profit line and can you match yourself to them? Can you show that YOU will increase their bottom line? Know how they dress. Read their website. Prepare questions. Learn interview body language. Practice an excellent handshake. Don’t have your stupid cell phone out. Show responsibility. Look a person in the eye. Smile. Show your drive for the job.

Boy … people are fun to watch. Ever want to pass some time? Head a to a hiring event. Just to people watch. Take notes. Maybe have a drink or two. Don’t forget to take your best bud along. Nothing like it. Take my word for it. Those observations above? Oh, I’ve got more. Same event. Mindboggling.
Sheesh.

“If you wouldn’t be on your phone so much …” What the Tow Truck Driver Said to My Daughter

This event occurred on and was written on November 7, 2016

The phone call from my daughter wasn’t for me, though she called my phone. It was her father whom she wanted to inform that her tire went pop while she was driving, and that she was stuck on the Rock Road, that she’d gotten the car as far as she could.

Thinking it merely a popped tire, over the phone, he sent me to get her and take her on to school, leaving the car there in the parking lot of the Cig-Liq while he went on to the dentist. As I approached down Wright Avenue and saw her car from across the street – I wondered why that the child had the car sticking half into the road. Why had she not had someone help her push it into the actual lot? Half of it sat 4-5′ into the Rock Road.I’m not sure the light there has ever quite taken as long as it did as I sat in horror watching vehicle after vehicle move to go around it, honking as they went, and my daughter standing off to the side waiting for me.

Once I parked and got out, I said, “We can’t leave it like that!” and to this, she pointed out it was not a popped tire after all … I looked. No, not a popped tire – something worse. Something I did not have the vocabulary to describe while calling her father. In a panic because the car stuck so far out into the road and was unmovable, I tried to explain to her father the situation – he was already in the dentist’s chair. Frustrated.

Call a tow truck. Okay. Call a tow truck.

Around these parts, that means call Doc’s Towing. Located at 2810 Walton Rd, St. Louis, MO 63114. I called.

With limited vehicular vocabulary and already upset as I did not know how to explain, and irritated at the continued non-good Samaritans who continued to honk at the vehicle, whose blinkers were flashing, instead of stopping perhaps to assist. The man who answered spoke to me as if I were a child once my words began. Yes, I had a limited vocabulary. I was ineffective at describing the why of the situation, just that it could not be moved and was sticking out onto St. Charles Rock Road. Could they please send someone to have it towed to our house. With disdain, because I know how to recognize disdain, the man said, “It will cost you $75” as if I would not have the means to pay. I said, “That’s fine.”

I even looked at the phone funny after hanging up, like what was that about … And then, we waited.

Within 15 minutes, the truck arrived. At this point, my daughter was texting her instructors, letting them be aware of the situation and that she might not be in class. She sat on the front bumper of my vehicle while I stood, trying to keep warm, pacing in the parking lot. When the truck driver stepped down from his cab and walked back towards my daughter’s vehicle, I walked toward him. No greeting or smile did he extend, only the word “Keys.”

Taken aback by his abruptness, I said, “He needs your keys,” to my daughter. She stood, still with the phone in hand and reached her keys toward him. He went to take them from her as I stood there between them. Still no other words exchanged by this man or us. The keys fell to the ground. With a huff, he bent to pick them up, then straightened and moved to go to the front of her car. With a look back toward us, he said, in a nasty tone to my daughter ….

“If you wouldn’t be on your phone so much, these kinds of things wouldn’t happen.”

What the what? I felt the words spread with rapidity through my brain and then roll toward and out of my mouth in the form of these loud and enraged words ….

“First of all, she was not on her phone, and second of all, the damn car is broken – there’s something dragging the ground!”

With that, the man, now standing with the driver’s door of my daughter’s car open, closed her car door and without another word at us, walked back to his truck in a huff, leaving us. He climbed inside his truck and, we assumed, with her keys. Where was he going? Maybe he was going to turn around? I had nothing to go on. Then he got onto St. Charles Rock Road. I raised my hands at him, saying, “Where are her keys?”

To which he responded by looking like a child throwing a hissy fit – cursing back at me with arms raised in the air … WHILE HE WAS DRIVING away.

I had no idea what had just taken place and where were her keys. Dumbfounded. Shaking. What had just happened? Just barked at my child like that was even a thing? What the hell! I mean … are you kidding me? No other words at all. No, “Hi, how’re you doing? Rough morning? Ah, this sucks, let’s see what we can do for you?” Nothing. Just CRAZY odd and rude. Stunned. That was me. Stunned. My daughter went to look in her car and found he had thrown the keys across the seat to the other side.

My next move was to call the shop. I called Doc’s and spoke to a man … yes, I was angry when I called. The tow truck driver was rude to us and had barked at my child. Not once did he say anything other than “Keys” and “If you wouldn’t be on your phone so much, these kinds of things wouldn’t happen!” That’s all he said to me. I tried to explain this to the man on the other end and neglected to mention the throwing of her keys across the inside of her car … and that we still needed a tow.

His response? “Ma’am there are two sides to every story. I’m trying to help you here … but you’re just yelling and I will not be spoken to like this on a Monday morning. There are two sides to every story. It is a service we offer and I do not have to offer it to you.” And without listening to me … he stated that he would not be sending another tow truck to me, that I should call someone else and have a nice day, and he hung up.

What the what? Again.

I tried to call back as I could not comprehend what was happening. The same conversation played. No amount of “the customer is always right” and not that I was even looking for that … I just needed the car towed out of St. Charles Rock Road. We’re talking just feet. Can you move it a few feet? No. Call someone else. We will not send another truck to you.

Doc’s Towing. 2810 Walton Rd, St. Louis, MO 63114.

We had lived in our small-big town for 19 years and in that time, we’ve made many friends and connections. One connection is within the St. Ann police department. Long story short here …. phone calls made. Police arrived on the scene. A phone call made to Doc’s by someone of influence – the Chief of Police – also my friend (he was told I cursed the man out – I can assure you I said the “D” word to the driver and dropped the “F” bomb about the driver to the person on the phone. That was the extent of my foul and apparently “abusive” nature).

A tow truck from Doc’s came back to the scene. And our car was taken to a local shop.

By the way … ‘what had happened was’ the lower ball joint broke. She could drive no farther. Not an inch. Not a scrape. Not in any way caused by a teenager on a cell phone … but a faulty ball joint or bracket or whatever the terminologies are! Part of the undercarriage was straight on the GROUND and against the tire.

The younger tow truck driver apologized to me for what had taken place. And to him, Daniel, … I say, THANK YOU.

You, sir, are a gentleman. You worked with efficiency on a difficult problem. You spoke to me with kindness. You spoke to us both with kindness and explanation. You helped me made a decision about where to have the car towed. Thank you.

Kindness is a balm. It is soothing. It is necessary. You, Daniel, obviously get that gem about work ethic! And I’m glad for you. It will serve you well, Daniel at Doc’s Towing!

You are a diamond in that workplace. Others today, in my conversations out and about the great little city of St. Ann, have affirmed my thoughts on this matter and have stated to me that Daniel is the employee there who provides kind and efficient customer service.

Daniel … thank you.

Also … at Village Auto came another moment of exceptional customer service. The owner Tim did not speak to me first. No, as Daniel had given him a head’s up on the situation, Tim spoke to my daughter.

He said, “I bet that was scary, huh?”

There was a physical change in her. Her shoulders relaxed – I saw the sigh escape her.

She said, “Yeah, it really was.”

Validated instead of barked at … belittled with ignorance.

The first man assumed and barked. This man … validated and offered kindness. Village Auto on Ashby Road at the corner of St. Matthew in St. Ann, Missouri. Thumbs up.

Mom and daughter both soothed with just a few words of kindness.

I do not know what the preceding story was today with the initial driver from Doc’s Towing, nor with the person(s) I spoke to on the phone … but wowza – I have to believe and know they aren’t just like that – that there must have been some AWFUL circumstance before my jumbled, lacking in vocabulary phone call for help. I try to teach my children and my students to always consider the circumstances surrounding another person’s behavior.

Customer service is king … and today, it was not displayed. Today is was smattered. Splattered into smithereens. Crushed. Placed underfoot and squished with a turn of a heel. My 17-year-old daughter accused of somehow causing the situation to happen because at the moment of key exchange she had her cell phone in her hand … WHILE SHE WAS CONTACTING HER INSTRUCTOR. Did I react to that? Yes, I did. What that man said was inappropriate. In no way professional. It was harsh. Rude. AND wrong. And I know his name, but am choosing not to use it. I’m not setting out to smear him … but to state that customer service is crucial. “The Customer is always right” is at least a motto leg to stand on … do not presume to know what is happening with the consumer you are there to serve. When a consumer is paying you for a service … be kind. That is your job.

Would I recommend Doc’s Towing’s services? Only if you get Daniel. Otherwise, no. This was a horrifying experience and it’s been with me all day. It was a talking point in my classes – customer service is key. Work Ethic is everything. If a business is to survive – it is on its Work Ethic. Word of Mouth. Word of Mouth in the digital age. That’s what I have to say.

Just wow.

AND … amazing note at the end … Village Auto fixed the car by day’s end. We have it back and she will not miss school tomorrow. WOW, Village Auto. THANK YOU. 🙂