“I’m gonna make you f$#%ing afraid of me”

It has been almost a month since I stepped away from an unhealthy relationship. I have not once doubted that decision – and I am not one to defame another on social media, so I have refrained from commenting much other than a previous post or two regarding the harassment/harassing behaviors I have endured since December 26. He is blocked on all social media and his emails do not come to me. I have blocked his number on my phone, but the voicemails he leaves still come through. Today, I received another unwanted voicemail (there are over 40 now), and I promptly recorded it to another device and filed a police report.

Pardon the language – but here is the text of the voicemail.

“Hey, you need to get with me about paying that goddamn money back for that fucking windshield. I’m gonna go by and get a copy of that goddamn receipt if I have to and uh, you’re gonna pay me that goddamn $200 back. You wanna fuck somebody over, well goddamn you better pay me back my goddamn money or I’m gonna take it out of your ass. Do you understand me? You wanna be scared of me? I’m gonna make you fucking scared of me. I’m gonna give you what you wanted, just like you told me before. I told you I wasn’t gonna be hateful to you, but you wanna act like a goddamn little kid, I’m gonna treat your ass like one.” 1/23/2018 – 12:01 pm.

This has been addressed today – dealt with – and my hope is that it will stop now. He has been told not to contact me or my family again.

In the past month, he contacted my ex-husband, three of my children, my father, my mother, my brother, my best friend. All in the name of “concern” for me – thinking that through any of them, he could get me to talk to him. Lines crossed. Major lines crossed. Contacting my 10-year-old son. Who does that?

And $200? He wanted me to have the windshield. I said it wasn’t necessary, that I could drive around with the cracks. He thought the windshield would fall in on me, so he wanted it fixed. So now, I owe him back? When I didn’t even think it was necessary … I just can’t. There is so much more the nasty in me wants to say, but I choose to not say more. Just … I can’t.

From this point forward … I will walk with trepidation toward and around relationships. Trust seems nonexistent. How could I? After what I endured in my marriage, and now this – yet another man who swore to love me. Ha. I have one Protective Order filed, and if the harassment doesn’t stop, another one will be. It seems ridiculous to me, and I wonder what it is about me that causes this … is it me? I am dissecting that.

It crossed my mind today that perhaps I should become a nun. Hidden away in a convent. That wouldn’t work though. I would be worse than Maria trying to be a good little nun. “How do you solve a problem like Maria?” would be nothing compared to Nunnery lyrics written concerning me.

I try. I really do. I want to love – to love and be loved … but, I question whether it truly exists and if it does – if it exists for me. Perhaps, like Maria, my Captain Von Trapp is out there. Perhaps. I don’t know. Maybe after everything I have done, I don’t deserve it. I don’t know that either.

What I do know today is … I will not be abused again.

RED FLAGS will be noted and heeded with immediacy.

I will listen to the voices in my head and my wounded, distrustful heart.

Here’s to tomorrow. A new day. I pray it contains no voicemails.

Protected: I Am Done Being Angry and Hateful

I Trust Very Little

Written on July 17, 2015

Trust. That’s a scary word. Specifically thinking of the workplace environment, but the troublesome nature of trust stretches into most corners of life.

I trust very little.

Not afraid as the word scary would imply, but cautious, skeptical, understanding at the core of being, humans are most concerned about self. That self rises when circumstances occur … and each person reacts in a manner befitting his own nature.

So, I know not to place expectations on most people. Those I do, they’re not unrealistic expectations – more a mutual affection despite fallibilities and foibles.

Choice. Understanding every person including yourself, myself, has the capacity to disappoint … such a key in authenticity of trust. Bringing the matter up because I see far too much shock in people when so and so does this or who’s-I-what’s-it does that.

Not much shocks me. Folks, we are human. Born to make mistakes. Me-feels like that’s a song …. It is. It’s running through my mind this morning … And not only that but the concept of grace. Grace and mercy.
People will disappoint, say and do things shocking, these are reality. The choice to respond … That’s definitional here to drama that ensues when trust becomes an ideal wherein disappointments should not occur.

Hogwash. Disappointment … It’s reality …

Choose to understand you are capable and do shake the trust of people around you as well. So, come down off the horse, show some mercy, seek wisdom to choose responses to better situations over disintegrating them.

Most people in my life I enjoy because I don’t trust – I don’t need that person’s perfection in my life in order for me to be okay with myself in any way. If I choose to trust, I’m willing to let your foibles affect my life just as I then in turn trust, believe, you’re willing to allow my foibles to affect yours … and that mutual appreciation and grace can exist, does exist, there in our communion.

See, I think trust is misunderstood. It’s like love. It’s a choice. It’s a verb. Based on action and not feeling. We get that so wrong, people. Don’t let people affect your outlook on life.

Understand Romans 3:23 … All have sinned and fallen short of the Glory of God. People are fallible. Untrustworthy because the odds of perfection are against them, against us all.

So, it’s a choice … Whose stuff are you willing to allow to create chaos of your plans and direction … Not that that’s what will happen, but possibility and probability say yes. Be okay with that. Choose your squad wisely. And stop being so shocked when people do crappy things.

Two sides to every story. Innocent until proven guilty. Life’s not fair. All that. You should trust less. It’s about expectations and wisdom, discernment, and grace.

There’s ONE who can be fully and in completion trusted. That’s Jesus. Look at how he loves you and me … Talk about untrustworthy … None of us are in comparison. Yet, he chooses grace, compassion, forgiveness. And I, for one, am ecstatic about that! Read the Gospel of John and get to know him. Trust him, not folks. Life will change for you. Dramas will cease. There’s no need for them …. Not inside love.

Morning thoughts.

Happy Friday.

Be kind today.

Don’t lay your expectations on people.

Rock your day!

What the Duck, Mrs. Mallard?

Normally – responses to “The Story of An Hour” by Kate Chopin have my students and I exploring the reasons for Mrs. Mallard’s death. Generally, we come up with themes of mental illness or female oppression. Until one day …

Dave Foster, Student in my Communications Cluster – English Comp I and II combined course turned in his assignment/response to the short story.

His response took me by surprise. My immediate rejoinder upon reading his words … “Hey, Dave, can I post it to my blog?” Might have tossed in a pretty please, but didn’t. Fortunately, he said YES. Perspective is everything, is it not?

This one … wow. Without further adieu … Dave Foster’s “What the Duck, Mrs. Mallard?”

What The Duck, Mrs. Mallard?

The Story of an Hour is a tale of irony about a woman who has been given the gift of
liberation in a time when such a thing barely existed, and subsequently has her newfound freedom ripped away from her before she can even taste of its sweet fruit. Certainly, Ms. Chopin’s tale has been interpreted by most to represent the struggles of a downtrodden woman, and her story will appeal to many who have felt lost and unfulfilled. But there is another story here, one that is unwritten, hidden between the lines. This is the story of a devoted, loving husband cursed to believe his greatest loss is the death of his wife, when in fact it may just be his most bountiful blessing.Ask most people what it takes to have a successful marriage and you’ll find a common
answer to be that a couple must learn to compromise. Any person who enters into a new life that so closely intertwines with another’s must certainly have to find ways to accept that person’s behaviors as part of their new life together. All people give up small freedoms, vices, and past-times in order to accommodate for sharing a home. The beauty of marriage lies in creating new goals and aspirations to accommodate your new life together.

Oh, but poor Mrs. Mallard. . . Long gone are the days when she frolicked in the
very sun she dreams of upon learning of her husband’s death. How dreadful must it be to find a man who loves her and works so diligently to provide her the home they share and, most certainly, the finer things she desires when her fancy is so inclined? Why should the reader pity such a pathetic creature as the one who dares to feel joy at the loss of a man who is so clearly depicted as a loving husband?

And what of Brently Mallard’s dreams? Perhaps his were much simpler. Perhaps
his dream was ever to marry Mrs. Mallard and provide for her and their family, to work for the railroad. Are we to find fault with the man simply because his dreams have come true?

I say we are at greater fault to believe such a thing. Quite probably, he had dreams of his own, dreams which he set aside as a child someday sets aside his old playthings, in order to fulfill the goals of more mature pursuits.

When Mr. Mallard comes home that day, he believes that he is returning, not to a
place of his wife’s broken dreams, but to a place of new ones, of a shared life, of a family. They are his dreams which are truly dashed as he opens the door only to witness the death of his wife.

Yet, how fortunate he is that his business didn’t keep him away longer? That he returned before his wife could admit her elation to her sister or a friend and gossip could carry the sickening news to his very ears?

The true irony of this story is not the freedom so quickly gained and then lost by Mrs.
Mallard, nor is it the cause of death misinterpreted to be overjoyed when it is, in fact, heartache. Instead, the irony lies in that Mr. Brently Mallard is the one who lives on to carry the burden of a woman’s death on his back when, in truth, it should be the weight lifted from his shoulders.

Didn’t Realize the Color of My Skin Should Determine My Political Leanings

I wrote this: November 9, 2016

Not surprised, but in a state of “shake my head” at the hateful and emotional rhetoric I’ve read across the internet today. So much based in ignorance [meaning without knowledge] and blindsightedness [often intentional because one side does never seek to understand the other], and I can only but choose to remain somewhat silent in response to the spewing of fear-laced words and hate that’s burgeoning forth from left-leaning citizens and celebrities of the same leftedness because Donald Trump is President-Elect.

Quiet I stay for the most part, but I will say this … any argument worth its weight is sans emotion.
This is not my thought – it is what you’ll read in any good Composition II textbook based on the Art of Argument. To participate in effective argument, it is not only necessary but imperative, that the arguer must understand and know inside and out the perspectives of the other ‘team.’ That concession to opposing perspectives is what calms a situation so that listening can even take place. Without this … argument is impossible.
With emotion-laced rhetorical attempt at argument – so far too often what we experience on the political stage and in classrooms and on street corners and on Facebook and Twitter and all far-reaching and up-close corners of the internet – we simply have folks spouting off and setting themselves up to be sound and fury signifying nothing.
There is no listening. There is no communication. There is no truth seeking for Socrates. There is no persuasion for the Sophists. There is no combination of the two which leads to effective conversations and debate … Dialectic Thinking – Critical Thinking.
Emotion-laced rhetoric is simply hate speech – pushing a single agenda with no understanding that it is possible and rational for more than one perspective to exist and not only that for multiple veins to a perspective to exist inside one artery or two of this side or that.
Stating that if someone does not agree with their left-ish agenda, then that disagreeable, deplorable individual is somehow NOT an American … this is what we hear. In this … granted, it is acceptable and understandable for disappointment to exist, but hate-spewing? To what end? Other than to incur a furtherance of preset ideas and prejudices of the ‘other’ side … there is nothing accomplished.
It was stated to me yesterday that anyone of Latino, Black, or LGBT orientation who voted for Trump fell for the schtick of the emperor wearing no clothes.
Basically meaning … if you are of Latino, Black, or LGBT-ness and your convictions led you to a conservative-leaning choice in the election, you are misguided and need to realize you don’t matter – I can only but think of Sheriff David Clarke here [who I respect and admire and would fan-girl over if given the opportunity to meet]. Then, you will be in your right mind and can further the hate rhetoric aimed at you though you didn’t realize it was aimed at you in the first place because you live in another world altogether where folks see beyond ‘limitations’ or ‘colors’ or ‘choices’ and just work together. How ‘foolish’ to not realize when you don’t matter and that those ideals you held were hate-filled in their own right – you know – thinking that people are people are people just because they’re human and therefore equal … fortunately [she says with ALL sarcasm, folks] there are plenty on the left-leaning side to remind you that you should not and cannot be a Republican and/or have conservative ideals because of your Latino-ness, your Black-ness, or your LGBT-ness. Get yourself right and be to the left, then you’ll be right and not matter and can spew hate and engage in emotionalism and rhetoric as you should because of a label you hadn’t placed on yourself but apparently to be a good American, you should affix your label with gorilla glue – do this and continue to perpetuate a problem the left side sees as all Apocalyptic that others who must fill the label of conservative and therefore MUST be white and of no other denomination or attribution – who choose to stay on the ‘calm’ side of things are working to lessen but continue to bump into the wall of hate. What a mess … Confused? I am. Here’s more … I’m not saying those who lean to the right don’t some have these same problems because they DO … there is HATE there too – I just don’t hear it as much, but apparently as I was told yesterday, I won’t see it because I’m white. See, I have to know my place too, according to a white liberally leaning left-sider yesterday who spoke that to me – trying to make me aware I am incapable as an independent leaning conservative and white [though, let me state I find this offensive because I am far more than a color and ‘white’ at that – which is fallacious in and of itself … I am of multiple descents – with some Asian thrown in there] of being anything but deplorable and hate-filled and misled … somehow an apocalyptic on-bringer because of my values, beliefs, and convictions … which, to this person who spoke these things to me, I’ve never shared …. all just assumed on the speaker’s part and not necessarily about me but anyone who would dare to vote differently than the left-leaning agenda … and wow, with the assumptions and assuming.
My God. That paragraph was difficult for me to follow and I wrote the thing.
It’s all sound and fury and insanity and it breaks my heart and baffles my mind … and it isironic to me that those who want to point out hate seem to scream with the most hate. This shouldn’t come as a shock though, Jesus pointed this out. Matthew 7:3-5 states …
3 “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 4 How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? 5 You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”
A rational discussion, that is good and pleasing and yes, something I will be pleased to sit down and have.

However, the spewing of hate speaks of planks and sawdust and non-listening and emotionalism and that blindness to the faults of self and the human anger need for self-justification somehow to come vehemently at the usage of vile language and hateful rhetoric. IN THIS … Conversation cannot be had. A rational discourse of ideas and policy, I am pleased to consider and discuss with another of any background regardless of tone or choice or pleasure or good gracious any difference from my own flawed self. Again, though, if it were Sheriff David Clarke, I would fumble all over my words and be unable to speak … the man is strong, convicted, intelligent, and down right … um, handsome. I’ll go with the word handsome as opposed to a word that means really, really warm. Perhaps, I’d just listen to him talk and enjoy the way his cowboy hat fits just right ….… though … I know our conversation would be seasoned with salt and peppered with grace because beyond a shadow of doubt, he would be in agreement with what follows here ….
Let’s begin with Matthew 22:37-40 wherein we are told what the greatest commandments are. Love God. Love your neighbor as yourself. Okay. There’s the beginning – whether you believe Christ crucified and raised or not – Love your neighbor as yourself is a good policy.
Spewing hate and hateful rhetoric is in no way showing this kind of love – the Golden Rule kind of Love. Treat Others The Way You Want to Be Treated.

That for better AND for worse kind of love.
Tough love – like causing folks to stand on their own two feet.
Tough love – pushing folks to stop taking everything personally and on to learning how to reach for the stars and their dreams and win in their relationships.
Tough love – loving folks when it’s ugly and when it hurts, when it’s uncomfortable, when it’s not pretty, when it seems unfair, when folks are … gasp, different from oneself.

Tough love says … People if you claim to be a follower of Jesus, then realize it is not who is in the Government of this nation that matters, but it is God working through YOU as you interact with those he places in your life. This applies across the spectrum from Democrat to Republican to Independent. Stop thinking this election is the end all be all … whether it is Trump [mistakenly] seen as Savior somehow or Trump seen as the devil incarnate, or as some I’ve spoken to believe, Hitler on the rise.
The true issue is YOU. It is ME.
We have a mission. Micah 6:8 says to Act Justly. Love Mercy. Walk Humbly with God.
There is no room for hateful rhetoric. No finger pointing. No more ignorance.
See people as children of God Most High – all Beloved – all those who I and You have NO business spewing unkindness toward. Folks are folks are folks are folks.
My response yesterday evening as I ‘listened’ to some left-leaning fearful, hate-filled speech relational to the conservative candidate’s winning in the poles was simply, “Well, I guess we will watch the Apocalypse unfold then and in that, Maranatha, come quickly, Lord Jesus.”

So be it.
The task is to love and to speak with kindness – to follow James 1:19-20 … Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, 20 because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.
Romans 13: 1 – 10 sums all of this up …
Let everyone be subject to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God. 2 Consequently, whoever rebels against the authority is rebelling against what God has instituted, and those who do so will bring judgment on themselves. 3 For rulers hold no terror for those who do right, but for those who do wrong. Do you want to be free from fear of the one in authority? Then do what is right and you will be commended. 4 For the one in authority is God’s servant for your good. But if you do wrong, be afraid, for rulers do not bear the sword for no reason. They are God’s servants, agents of wrath to bring punishment on the wrongdoer. 5 Therefore, it is necessary to submit to the authorities, not only because of possible punishment but also as a matter of conscience.
6 This is also why you pay taxes, for the authorities are God’s servants, who give their full time to governing. 7 Give to everyone what you owe them: If you owe taxes, pay taxes; if revenue, then revenue; if respect, then respect; if honor, then honor.
8 Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for whoever loves others has fulfilled the law. 9 The commandments, “You shall not commit adultery,” “You shall not murder,” “You shall not steal,” “You shall not covet,”[a] and whatever other command there may be, are summed up in this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.”[b] 10 Love does no harm to a neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law.

Know What’s Scary … Men.

The thought of ever trusting a man stops my heart … still, I don’t want to be alone. And the damnable part about it is that these horrifying memories of mine surface and the trust factor disappears, still, I want to be loved, and yet I don’t want to be vulnerable again. Powerless. Afraid. Out of my mind.

That is scary – aside from two men – one being my father. The other, well, it’s a complicated story. He is a hero in my book. A private book. Someone who stands out in a crowd for integrity and drive. I admire him. Hope to be like him when I grow up. Both of them are fallible. I know. Somehow that fallibility is forgivable … but, that being said, as I look into the world of singleness … it is daunting and my haunches are up. High. Understandably so, I realize.

It’s not that I can’t be single – until I am whole, I probably should be. I’m doing it now, and I’m okay. There is much to focus on … finding that job that’s just right for me, loving on my babies, and finding peace after having lived so torridly for a long time.

But, good conversation I want. Laughter, I want. Nice dinner. Walks. To be cared for. It would be nice. Perhaps … someday … marriage again. Perhaps. That in itself is terrifying … I do not want to turn around and find a man believes me to be his “property” and that I am unable to think without him or make decisions on my own or put me down so that I don’t believe I am worthy or beautiful enough for a good man to want.

Met a gentleman. He has a farm. Handsome. Says he is a Christian. Drives a nice truck. Has a great job. Cattle. But odcr and oscn paint a different picture. DUI. Assault. A number of other things. Good grief. That won’t be going anywhere.

I cannot and will not be abused ever again. Nor will I put myself in an environment where my mental state could be destroyed another time. Trust is shaken in me. And I’m thankful for internet research tools and best friends who love me and do that research for me … because they know emotionally I’m not the sharpest crayon in our tray.

This is all unsettling. But … one day at a time … I press forward. Learning so much about myself and what I want. What I will settle for. And what I will not.

For that, I am thankful today. Still, think men are scary though, but on the converse, they can be so nice to talk to. What is that?