The headline “October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, highlighting that Oklahoma leads the U.S. in rates of intimate partner violence, with comprehensive support hotlines available 24/7 for those in need,” caught my attention this morning. The article contains startling statistics that, unfortunately, I know are true. To see the information in black and white drives home (reminds me) the importance of not being silent on the issue of domestic violence because, according to the article included below, one out of four women and one out of nine men experience domestic violence. Here in Oklahoma, that number, according to the article, is even higher, with 49.1% of women in Oklahoma experiencing some variant of domestic violence in their lifetimes – and men in Oklahoma experience domestic violence at a rate of 40.7%. This is unacceptable! Talk about an epidemic of drastic effects that should be on the lips of every politician and religious leader! THIS should be talked about everywhere – it should be called out, addressed, and changed.
Here is the article I encountered …
TULSA, OKLA (KTUL) — Domestic violence affects 49.1 percent of Oklahoma women and 40.7 percent of Oklahoma men, according to the World Population Review. Those statistics place the state of Oklahoma at number one for the highest rates of intimate partner violence in the United States. According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, about 20 people per minute are physically abused by an intimate partner. Nationally, approximately one in four women and one in nine men experience severe intimate partner physical violence, sexual violence, and stalking. October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Oklahoma has a state-wide, 24-hour hotline available to those affected by domestic violence. Call 800-522-7233 to get connected with resources. Additionally, the Domestic Violence Intervention Services (DVIS) in Tulsa has a 24-hour information and crisis line at 918-743-5763. (What is Domestic Violence? KTUL Article).
I came across this article while checking my email, and now, I’m writing this post about Domestic Violence while my students are in the throes of peer review, and I’m looking around the room with this new, shocking insight regarding our home state. The Oklahoma statistics mean that in this room where I have 7 female students right now, three of them, perhaps even four, are or have been victims of domestic violence. The addition of myself to the number makes 8 females, and that means on the national average, 2 of us are or have been victims …
At one point in my life, the words, “You don’t know what abuse is,” were said to me to excuse abusive behavior away as somehow acceptable. I was to believe that because I “didn’t have it as bad as some women did,” I should be grateful for the treatment I received – and that I deserved. It wasn’t until I found myself suicidal, alcoholic, and completely broken and wild that I found out the depth of the damage done to my psyche. Two stints in psych wards on suicide watch and intensive meetings with psychiatrists, therapists, and then AA started me on a path to self-discovery and towards fighting to live my life on my own terms. I learned that my experiences had indeed made me a victim of domestic abuse/domestic violence regardless of what I’d been told to believe while in that chaos, and I learned what domestic abuse and domestic violence entail.
According to the UN, the United Nations – a global resource of information and government, “Domestic abuse, also called “domestic violence” or “intimate partner violence,” can be defined as a pattern of behavior in any relationship that is used to gain or maintain power and control over an intimate partner. Abuse is physical, sexual, emotional, economic, or psychological actions or threats of actions that influence another person. This includes any behaviors that frighten, intimidate, terrorize, manipulate, hurt, humiliate, blame, injure, or wound someone. Domestic abuse can happen to anyone of any race, age, sexual orientation, religion, or gender. It can occur within a range of relationships, including couples who are married, living together, or dating. Domestic violence affects people of all socioeconomic backgrounds and education levels” (What is Domestic Abuse? UN).
Domestic Violence is much more than getting punched in the face and/or beaten up physically – though these are both wretched and evil. Don’t fall for the line, “You don’t know what abuse is,” like you should be grateful for the degradation, the suffocation, the humiliation, the fear-invoking, the threats of violence, the hidden bruises no one can see – both internal and external. As the definition above states, abuse is “used to gain or maintain power and control over an intimate partner.” It also states, and I want to emphasize, that “this includes any behaviors that frighten, intimidate, terrorize, manipulate, hurt, humiliate, blame, injure, or wound someone.”
These numbers are shocking. Oklahoma leading the list of the amount of abuse is something I am NOT okay with.
To those of you who are perpetrating domestic abuse/violence on another human being … stop. Karma is a bitch, and she’ll come for you.
To those of you who are on the national scale, one of the one in four women and one in nine men, there is life AFTER escape from domestic abuse and violence. There is help. I know it is terrifying. I know it is debilitating. I’ve been in your shoes. Please do not stay in that chaos. Your life is valuable. You are worthy. You do matter. You are much more than a punching bag for fists or words. Please hear me!
To politicians, especially here in Oklahoma, do you see these statistics? Do you let them sink into your mind and shock you? These numbers mean “we” are sick, sick people without self-control who are in desperate need of help – those who are perpetrators and those who are victims. There are men and women among us who sickly believe it is their right to abuse, neglect, and degrade another human soul. This cannot be allowed to continue!
Much like alcoholism and what I wrote regarding it in an earlier post, I realize the only solution to this epidemic of violence and degradation is a spiritual one. Only through deeply learning the Golden Rule and that God loves each person will any rationale and humane treatment of other people, no matter who they are, become the norm. It seems like I’m a mouse fighting a giant, but I will use my little squeaky voice to shout written words!
49.1% of women and 40.7% of men being the victims of domestic violence is NOT acceptable. This MUST be addressed. It must be changed, Oklahoma! Read. Study. Ask what you can do. If each of us who is bothered by this says something … see something, say something … if each of us does this, then a dent can be made in these horrifying numbers! Be willing to listen, to help, to point to help for those who harm and for those who are harmed … even those who harm have been harmed. Truly.
Where do we begin? In the heart. It’s a heart matter. It’s a spiritual matter. We have gone so very wrong somewhere along this path … humanity paving its own destruction because it is unwilling to turn to a loving God.
This all breaks my heart.
Within a half hour of wrapping up this piece of writing yesterday, as class wound down and my students gathered their things to leave the classroom, a young woman who was supposed to have been in that class but missed entered the room. She was in tears. Long story short, she is the victim of domestic violence. She’d found herself hospitalized and then in the psyche ward because she was suicidal. She believed she was crazy. He made her believe she was at fault for everything wrong in their relationship, and she was broken. Because I am a mandatory reporter, I advised her that talking to me meant I had to report our conversation, and she understood. I know it scared her, but I assured her that we, that I, am here to help. I made her promise me that she would not cause harm to herself but that she would reach out if she needed to – and I pointed her to assistance beyond what I could offer in a brief conversation.
I left enraged and emboldened. I will continue to share these statistics, talk about these things in my classrooms, and point people toward help—no matter if they are the perpetrator or the victim. We have to do better! One out of two women in Oklahoma is unacceptable. One out of four women in the United States of America is also unacceptable. This has to be talked about, shared, and not swept under the rug and allowed to go on.
Treat others the way you want to be treated. It’s not a difficult concept, but for some reason (could it be because the Devil hates God and wants us all destroyed), people are incapable of treating others the way they want to be treated. Humans are selfish, revengeful creatures and believe it is a right to exact revenge, to come out on top, to belittle and hurt and destroy … this is not from good. This is from the opposite of good, which does exist. These behaviors are evil.
I asked Google, “How does the Bible say we should treat each other?” My search took me to www.openbible.info and the following verses: “How to Treat Others.”
Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.
And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them.
Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.
“This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you.
“So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets.
If anyone says, “I love God,” and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen cannot love God whom he has not seen. And this commandment we have from him: whoever loves God must also love his brother.
Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor.
Do not rejoice when your enemy falls, and let not your heart be glad when he stumbles,
We who are strong have an obligation to bear with the failings of the weak, and not to please ourselves. Let each of us please his neighbor for his good, to build him up.
Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind. Do not repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, bless, for to this you were called, that you may obtain a blessing. For “Whoever desires to love life and see good days, let him keep his tongue from evil and his lips from speaking deceit; let him turn away from evil and do good; let him seek peace and pursue it. For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and his ears are open to their prayer. But the face of the Lord is against those who do evil.”
Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.
Honor everyone. Love the brotherhood. Fear God. Honor the emperor.
For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.
Do not rebuke an older man but encourage him as you would a father, younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, younger women as sisters, in all purity.
Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.
If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. …
My brothers, show no partiality as you hold the faith in our Lord Jesus Christ, the Lord of glory. For if a man wearing a gold ring and fine clothing comes into your assembly, and a poor man in shabby clothing also comes in, and if you pay attention to the one who wears the fine clothing and say, “You sit here in a good place,” while you say to the poor man, “You stand over there,” or, “Sit down at my feet,” have you not then made distinctions among yourselves and become judges with evil thoughts? Listen, my beloved brothers, has not God chosen those who are poor in the world to be rich in faith and heirs of the kingdom, which he has promised to those who love him? …
Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” To the contrary, “if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.
The second is this: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.”
A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another.
For there is no distinction between Jew and Greek; for the same Lord is Lord of all, bestowing his riches on all who call on him.
Honor your father and mother, and, You shall love your neighbor as yourself.”
A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.”
Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth.
If anyone says, “I love God,” and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen cannot love God whom he has not seen.
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.
But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you,
With all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love,
So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.
And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works,
For the whole law is fulfilled in one word: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.”
But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return, and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, for he is kind to the ungrateful and the evil. Be merciful, even as your Father is merciful.
Let all that you do be done in love.
“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.
Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind.
You shall not take vengeance or bear a grudge against the sons of your own people, but you shall love your neighbor as yourself: I am the Lord.
Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.
“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven. For he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? And if you greet only your brothers, what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same? …
Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger;
Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.
Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends.
We love because he first loved us.
For this is the message that you have heard from the beginning, that we should love one another.
However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.
Do not neglect to show hospitality to strangers, for thereby some have entertained angels unawares.
“But I say to you who hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you,
Let us not become conceited, provoking one another, envying one another.
Let every person be subject to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and those that exist have been instituted by God. Therefore whoever resists the authorities resists what God has appointed, and those who resist will incur judgment. For rulers are not a terror to good conduct, but to bad. Would you have no fear of the one who is in authority? Then do what is good, and you will receive his approval, for he is God’s servant for your good. But if you do wrong, be afraid, for he does not bear the sword in vain. For he is the servant of God, an avenger who carries out God’s wrath on the wrongdoer. Therefore one must be in subjection, not only to avoid God’s wrath but also for the sake of conscience. …
Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.
Bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.
Do not be deceived: “Bad company ruins good morals.”
Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.
For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another.
Pay attention to yourselves! If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him, and if he sins against you seven times in the day, and turns to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ you must forgive him.”
Likewise, you who are younger, be subject to the elders. Clothe yourselves, all of you, with humility toward one another, for “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.”
Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.”
Whoever covers an offense seeks love, but he who repeats a matter separates close friends.
Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct. Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious. For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, …
Strive for peace with everyone, and for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no “root of bitterness” springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled;
“If you love me, you will keep my commandments.
And the King will answer them, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.’
A fool gives full vent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds it back.
Complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind.
A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.
A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.
A dishonest man spreads strife, and a whisperer separates close friends.
Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.
“You have heard that it was said to those of old, ‘You shall not murder; and whoever murders will be liable to judgment.’ But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother will be liable to judgment; whoever insults his brother will be liable to the council; and whoever says, ‘You fool!’ will be liable to the hell of fire.
A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
“Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.
“If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.
“You have heard that it was said, ‘An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.’ But I say to you, Do not resist the one who is evil. But if anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if anyone would sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. And if anyone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. Give to the one who begs from you, and do not refuse the one who would borrow from you.
“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him.
The revelation of Jesus Christ, which God gave him to show to his servants the things that must soon take place. He made it known by sending his angel to his servant John,
“If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector. Truly, I say to you, whatever you bind on earth shall be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven.
The prudent sees danger and hides himself, but the simple go on and suffer for it.
When a man’s ways please the Lord, he makes even his enemies to be at peace with him.
Give to everyone who begs from you, and from one who takes away your goods do not demand them back.
“If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother.
Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience,
For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church,
“Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you.
Show yourself in all respects to be a model of good works, and in your teaching show integrity, dignity,
“But I say to you who hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you. To one who strikes you on the cheek, offer the other also, and from one who takes away your cloak do not withhold your tunic either. Give to everyone who begs from you, and from one who takes away your goods do not demand them back. And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them. …
“‘Honor your father and your mother, as the Lord your God commanded you, that your days may be long, and that it may go well with you in the land that the Lord your God is giving you.
Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good,
Bondservants, obey your earthly masters with fear and trembling, with a sincere heart, as you would Christ, not by the way of eye-service, as people-pleasers, but as bondservants of Christ, doing the will of God from the heart, rendering service with a good will as to the Lord and not to man, knowing that whatever good anyone does, this he will receive back from the Lord, whether he is a bondservant or is free. Masters, do the same to them, and stop your threatening, knowing that he who is both their Master and yours is in heaven, and that there is no partiality with him.
For the whole law is fulfilled in one word: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” But if you bite and devour one another, watch out that you are not consumed by one another.
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant
We ask you, brothers, to respect those who labor among you and are over you in the Lord and admonish you, and to esteem them very highly in love because of their work. Be at peace among yourselves.
Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.
Now there was a man of the Pharisees named Nicodemus, a ruler of the Jews. This man came to Jesus by night and said to him, “Rabbi, we know that you are a teacher come from God, for no one can do these signs that you do unless God is with him.” Jesus answered him, “Truly, truly, I say to you, unless one is born again he cannot see the kingdom of God.” Nicodemus said to him, “How can a man be born when he is old? Can he enter a second time into his mother’s womb and be born?” Jesus answered, “Truly, truly, I say to you, unless one is born of water and the Spirit, he cannot enter the kingdom of God. …
The vision of Isaiah the son of Amoz, which he saw concerning Judah and Jerusalem in the days of Uzziah, Jotham, Ahaz, and Hezekiah, kings of Judah. Hear, O heavens, and give ear, O earth; for the Lord has spoken: “Children have I reared and brought up, but they have rebelled against me. The ox knows its owner, and the donkey its master’s crib, but Israel does not know, my people do not understand.” Ah, sinful nation, a people laden with iniquity, offspring of evildoers, children who deal corruptly! They have forsaken the Lord, they have despised the Holy One of Israel, they are utterly estranged. Why will you still be struck down? Why will you continue to rebel? The whole head is sick, and the whole heart faint. …
Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times.
The wicked flee when no one pursues, but the righteous are bold as a lion.
If you really fulfill the royal law according to the Scripture, “You shall love your neighbor as yourself,” you are doing well. But if you show partiality, you are committing sin and are convicted by the law as transgressors. For whoever keeps the whole law but fails in one point has become guilty of all of it. For he who said, “Do not commit adultery,” also said, “Do not murder.” If you do not commit adultery but do murder, you have become a transgressor of the law. So speak and so act as those who are to be judged under the law of liberty. …
I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.
Lenazy's Life 